MARRIAGE ‘PROBIOTIC’, ADJUSTED EXPECTATIONS!

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Marriage expectations…

I don’t refute, we all have the expectation(s) that we will be kissing throughout in marriage, in love, the chemistry will just be over the top, and so be in love.

We think the cake would continue to be sweet and wine so freely flowing.

We think he would be this sweetest hubby forever, no mistakes, just the adorable man you married.

The lady, now a Mrs. YOU, will remain the ever gentle little miss you married.

All is achievable. I am not saying that it’s not. It’s okay to have those expectations, otherwise your outlook on marriage would be negative and distorted.

Happily ever after is real. That is the absolute truth, but it’s hard work.

Just because the world has so much publicity on failed marriages doesn’t mean that all marriages are failing. There are people who have made it work. Marriage works!

It’s achievable, trust me, but, there are a few things you will both need to add, and shed off at the same time. So let’s look at an analogy, the SET THEORY.

For those who did IT in campus, there was a subject called Data Algorithms, in set theory.

Let me use an example: Let A = {1 orange, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1 cup} 

B = {1 spoon, 1 knife, 1 fork}

Therefore È B (A union B) = {1 orange, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1 cup, 1 spoon, 1 knife, 1 fork} , ie When set A unites with set B, all elements that each set has, are included in their unity and so is marriage.

Truth be told, you get married with all your expectations in the marriage sack, expecting every day to be the Hollywood movie love story, no one sees the greatest love story of Jesus of Nazareth, or we see but chose to ignore.

His was the sacrificial giving. He withheld nothing, and humbled himself even unto death, to an ungrateful, mortal man.

That’s is love. Giving it all, expecting nothing. Love gives without expecting. Manipulation can’t wait to always get.

You expect your hubby to always be sweet, always say yes to your demands, always cooking for you, massage your feet! Serenade you every night, call you every hour.

After all, he promised, and you fit into his “box”, he put the ring on it and you sealed the deal.

He should do as he promised and you keep singing the song daily in your head. My dear, you are missing the bigger picture.

Consider this scene.

After the honeymoon, you open the gift boxes and arrange your house. This fits here, this fits there, everything is going on well. Marriage is gooooodddd! 

How could anyone think that marriage can be bumpy at times!

You both resume back to work a month later. You are the envy of all single ladies in the office. Isn’t your ring gorgeous! You lucky lady!

You are still young in marriage, so the dating habits haven’t worn off. He can eat pizza from Monday to Monday.

You can junk from Monday to Monday. You, don’t need to worry about your nails.

You aren’t doing dishes, you are not scrubbing his jeans. Your nails are perfect.

One Monday evening, he suddenly decides, no more pizza, I want my brown ugali and ‘murenda‘.

He says, the mama who washes his clothes doesn’t scrub them well, he needs you to wash them.

Slowly, he starts fitting into the “hubby” shoes. He gets home and his favorite place is next to the TV with his remote, if not his IPad or his laptop.

He only calls your name periodically to ask for water, juice, chai, smoothie, more chai, food, water, coffee etc., depending on his rate of metabolism.

You rush everywhere in the house, your schedule changes drastically. You get off work pass by the supermarket, drive through traffic, and get home at around 8, straight to the kitchen, while your beloved hubby arrived at 5, to catch his favorite game, Chelsea Vs Manchester City.

The onions get the best of you! (Don’t worry we are so many).

Dinner get ready at 9, and the long evening awaits you.

You are fatigued, you are exhausted, and you are irritable. You begin remembering the promises he made…”He promised to help in cooking, the chores, so why isn’t he doing it”? Is the game more important to him than me?

You begin to resent and brand your husband. Calling him names and venting out, to him, to everyone in the office, on social media, your WhatsApp status, you lash out on anyone.

The sweet gentle you starts to fade and you turn to be a super contentious, bitter, resentful and a nagging wife.

So my fellow wife, before you get there, let me help you out. Adjust your expectations. I don’t mean that you need to lower your expectations, no, he knew the kind of woman you are, he knew your standards, fell in love with your lingo, your scent was all captivating, that said, lowering your bar is not an option, but adjusting is.

We live is a hyped world, where everything is hyped, and we forget that no matter how liberal we are or you are, marriage doesn’t work with those standards.

It needs no hype, it needs maturity, and prayer.

It needs realism not a fantasies.

It needs to people who are ready to bear each other through all.

Unfortunately, we don’t want to take time to love. We don’t want the struggle, we want the free, or what someone else has struggled to build.

We want the short term gratification.

We don’t want to invest, but we want the shares, and the share capital. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Remember the set theory?

When you married that man, you married his ‘baggage’ too. You married him because you knew you can handle it.

Why, do we feel the need to have this guy fit into everything we want? And you Mr. why do you place so much expectation on your wife that wherever she goes wrong you become “her father”? Scolding her every second?

She didn’t marry you to be her dad and certainly she cannot be your mother!

Girlfriend, He’s not Jesus and will never be flawless.

If there will be one thing that can make you ungrateful in your marriage is having expectations, and too much of them at that.

Expectations will turn you to be a critical wife instead of a loving wife. Expectations will turn you be a scolding husband instead of a loving husband.

The best thing you can do for your marriage is acknowledge that your hubby is mortal just as you are, and he will err at times.

So instead of fighting him for what he has not done, why not start appreciating him for what he has already done or is doing? By that, he won’t be feeling like you are holding an axe over his head daily. He will thrive in your positive encouragement.

He will constantly wake up to make you smile because he knows you will have sweet words for him at the end of the day. Kind words as my hubby puts it.

He will surpass all your current expectations. So instead of getting home and criticising him for not doing the dishes, and he was home, why not hug him tight.

Tell him that you had missed him the whole day.

Ask him to keep you company in the kitchen because you had missed him so much.

Trust me, he will end up washing those dishes for you.

We have the power as women to build our men or destroy them. With our mouths.

For men, love your wife against all reason, against now, against tomorrow, against it all, she will blossom and you won’t believe the turn around.

Keep scolding her, she won’t feel the need of being submissive. Quit being critical of each other, instead, be an encourager to your spouse.

In marriage, you are your own savior. You change to attract change from your spouse.

In marriage, my fellow wife, the point is not who needs to change. The point is, who is willing to change.

Your goal as a wife is not to get your husband to do as you want, but it’s to release them to God to do as HE wants with them.

In turn, the Lord shapes him to be your perfect fit.

Thank your husband today, tomorrow and the day after and you will start to see the change. Complement your wife often, and you will see the difference.

Adjust your expectations to suit your spouse’s needs, in turn, they will adjust theirs to suit yours.

My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. (Psalm 62:5). Your greatest expectations must be from God, not your husband.

When you move closer to God, He molds your husband to move closer to HIM, and to be the best he could ever be. Every change the Lord brings is lasting its permanent.

In turn, you find yourself merging at the top with the Lord being your STRONGEST CORD.

THE BEGINNING, THE END AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

You want your marriage to work, just add the probiotic, “adjusted expectations!”

#marriageworks #Godspeed

 

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