Welcome back lovelies!
- I had to know my role as a wife
As a wife, the number one role God has given me is being a Helper to my husband.
ONLY TWO PEOPLE HAVE THAT ROLE IN THE BIBLE!
The Holyspirit and you!
The book of Genesis 2:18, tells us that God saw it’s not fit for man to be alone, and He made him a “suitable helper”.
My work is to help my husband be all that God intends for him to be.
We have the power to make it all happen. Help him attain his dreams, help him attain his vision, help him attain that PHD he always wants.
Am sure you will ask me, what about my dreams? What about my PHD? Trust me, when you encourage a man, he outdoes himself. You will be shocked when he looks for enough cash to take you for that PHD you want, and both of you will be in school at the same time!
Be a “suitable” helper; be a “sweetable” helper; be a “sweet and able” helper!
Secondly, I am to Respect my husband.
Ephesians 5:33, says, “the wife must respect her husband.”
Me respecting my husband means, I notice him daily, honor him, choose him daily, regard him, esteem him, and be in reverence of him.
It means, I valuing his opinion, even when I don’t feel it’s the right thing, being in awe of his character, admiring his ways and wisdom, appreciating his commitment to me, appreciating the little things he does, appreciating the time he spends with me, being considerate of his feelings, pampering him and spoiling him.
You might say it’s too much, but it’s not.
I have noticed that when i support my hubby, believing in him, cheering him on and appreciating him, he really outdoes himself!
After all, he knows am his biggest fan! Trust me, nothing can bog him down!
Thirdly, I am to Love my husband.
The book of Titus 2:4, tells us as wives, “to love our husbands.”
What do I mean? Loving my hubby should be unconditional. I love him through all, I love him in all, and I unconditionally accept him, just the way he is. He is not broken for me to fix, he is simply a man an imperfect person perfect for me, whom God is molding daily, and he is a work in progress!
He is a man in motion, and that’s all God needs to work on!
So am I.
It means loving him enough to put his needs before mine.
To look at love from his perspective and not mine, to give him what he needs, not what I need.
I tell ladies that my biggest life verse is Philippians 4:13, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
That I will have a tight schedule at work but still spare some energy to prepare a nice meal for my husband and be super pleasing to him! We all know that sexual fulfillment is one of the primary needs of a man.
If he gets sexually frustrated, everything in that house will go wrong. Please don’t spiritualize it! It’s as real as the word! It’s wrong to deny your husband his conjugal rights.
For a husband, the only way to keep his connection to his wife is making love.
Yes! Yes! Of course he has other primary needs, but it’s one of his, his major one, just as a wife needs to keep being told “I love only you”. I mean, it feeds your inner being. So why not feed his?
My husband should be top on my priority list, above my projects, activities, house chores, sorry, but even your children! Yes above that chubby cuddly baby you have!
It doesn’t mean that it’s the only thought that I-you should have, no, but as you give 100% to your work, spare some energy to give 100% to your husband and vice versa.
Do not be selfish, that all is about you.
Fourthly, I am to Submit to the leadership of my husband.
The word “submission,” has been loosely misunderstood.
Women will term me as anachronistic and subservient but it’s just the truth.
Submissiveness as earlier stated, doesn’t make me lose my identity, it doesn’t make me a “non-entity”.
Unfortunately, some husbands take this to mean that their wives should be inferior to them, with no say. Submissiveness, doesn’t mean that her place is in the kitchen!
Funny enough, it’s easier for a wife to submit to husband who loves, and cares for her and is sensitive to her needs. There should be no coercion, no one should be held under duress.
Husband and wife should complement each other as they become one, completing one another through Christ and in Christ.
Another thing, to submit to your husband just doesn’t come easy.
At least for me it didn’t just happen. The Lord had to teach me. Imagine entrusting yourself to another person. I mean, it’s difficult.
We are so different. But, through this journey, I have learnt to let the Lord teach my hubby, as I submit to him.
My work is to love him through the process!
We communicate of course, but for him to change something I don’t like, it requires me to change my character and be a respectful, submissive wife.
My submissiveness will channel his mind back to the scriptures. The Lord will minister to him and he will become better and “newer” every day.
If I notice the change, and appreciate him. It builds him and motivates him to be better. See the ripple effects? Of course there are those abusive relationships which makes submission difficult. For that, guidance from counselors would help.
- I had to get rid of the SELF Attitude.
Me, I, myself kind of language doesn’t work in marriage. It’s selfish, it’s self-centered.
Love lets the other win. It’s okay. I know that is a hard thing to learn.
Humanly speaking, when hurt, you will lush out angrily, you will walk out, you will cry. Well, it’s okay to be human, but don’t dwell there.
There is and 80/20 rule that’s applied in marriage.
Most often we focus on the 20% of this person, his wrong side. We forget that they have and 80% that is so good. I have come to appreciate that rule in my marriage.
I will get angry, but I won’t dwell there. A SELF attitude, of course, comes with a rude a language. So that needs to be adjusted too.
Rudeness mostly involves calling your husband or wife some “huge” words, others bang the door and move out. Some even argue before their children!! Bad Bad Bad!
We get angry, but instead of always saying “you did this. You did that…for me, saying, I feel…probably works best. Try it!
- I had to know his primary needs.
As I wife, I came to know that my needs are not necessarily his.
There are others which overlap but a man’s primary needs are different from the woman’s. For instance, he needs to be listened to, and she needs to be understood.
I have come to learn that when my hubby starts talking, he doesn’t need help. He simply wants me to listen.
So I keep nodding and nodding, interjecting where possibly fit, until he is okay. They just need to be told, “You will be okay”, “am proud of you”, “you are the best”, “you can do this”, “thank you”.
He needs you to trust him completely.
That he can let you in his “man cave”, expose his weaknesses to you without you being judgmental or critical.
He needs your affirmation, by being his number 1 fan, even when he doesn’t do well. I don’t know much about football, but the die-hard fans of Arsenal probably paint the best picture.
They never win the cup, but come close to it. HE-HE!! That’s how you should be to your husband, a die-hard fan! He needs to come home and receive comfort and peace.
I know sometimes they irritate us but, being a wife sometimes calls for you to LEARN how to deal with “small” matters and let go. By the time you are revisiting the story, it doesn’t hurt.
Otherwise, you will soon find your husband withdrawing from you because you are nagging.
Don’t make everything an issue, because all things can be! He needs you to accept him as he is.
Motivation is the highest catalyst in igniting change in someone. Am not saying you compromise his bad behavior, no, but motivate him towards change.
- I had to communicate my primary needs.
I know we have all read that book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”.
We are that different. My needs are not my hubby’ needs.
Well, I know we want them to figure everything out, but that’s impossible.
Very few men pick subtle signs unless it’s sexual. Or he may interpret it as sexual, while it’s not.
Sometimes, we just need a good cuddle, his quick head interprets it as otherwise.
So how does he get to know that it’s otherwise? You got to tell him. You need to learn to communicate to him. He many not change the tempo at once, but once you notice a slight change, say thank you.
It will motivate him. Soon it will be part of his DNA. Communicate your needs, communicate what ails you.
Esther communicated to King Xexus about Haman. It was a sensitive issue but she found a way to get his attention. she threw a feast!!!. You see! Food can be a way to get your hubby’s attention.
What makes your hubby tick?
What catches his attention?
Find a way to get your man to listen to you.
My Journey Continues.
Image by Ryotaro Taniguchi