Our NEVER CREED is the hardest to fulfill at any given time. But, through God’s s grace and willingness to DO, we are able to make it.
Marriage should be between two people infused together not just glued.
Glued stuff are able to part. Infused, not really…
This is OUR NEVER Ever CREED.
- Never Ever be angry at the same time.
As I write this statement, I know it’s almost possible to get angry at the same time.
I get angry, my hubby gets really angry too, and mostly, we do it at the same time.
It is normal to get so pissed at someone you so love. Such a paradox right?
Anger from one of you is a bullet, as I see it, but when it’s from both of you, it’s a nuclear weapon, enough to cause ripple effects to people who are far away and beyond. It is purely fatal.
Maintaining calmness, is one thing that I daily recite to myself. It is one area of myself that I crucify daily.
Talking over an issue when both of you are angry is so hard and yet it’s the only way, though, one of you has to start calming down.
But who wants that? Most of the time we want to “win”, the argument.
No matter how genuine a concern is, anger overshadows anything that requires reasoning.
Wisdom calls for one of you to maintain calm.
Actually wisdom calls for ONE OF YOU TO STEP DOWN FROM THE PEDESTAL OF CALLING YOUR ANGER, “JUSTIFIED!”
Anger always leads to a loss. Either of you can lose or worse, both of you.
You should try as much as possible to keep quiet especially if you feel the “temperatures” are rising.
This is a plea to my sisters. Train your mouths as I do too. This is a plea to my brothers, don’t shut down, but simply ask for a “time out” to calm down.
There are times I literally pinch myself, and make a silent prayer…”ohh God! Hold my tongue before I rant out!” “…”hold me Jesus! Hold me! Now! Now!”
It is no secret. Marriage has those moments.
The beauty is being able to pass that test.
Who will come down first?
Who will pacify the situation?
2. Never ever speak while angry, never speak loudly, and never disrespect one another.
Ordinarily, when one of you is angry, the pitch tends to be higher and the tempo is always faster. I know that from myself.
So we try as much as possible to never speak when angry, and that I can tell you was a true struggle for me.
Imagine two people, each with a strong personality, getting mad at each other! Johnny says he would rather get to watch the first half of a football match to calm down. (It could get that serious!)
It used to so irritate me at first, but we weren’t getting any better if we exchanged words.
In fact, talking while angry was not acting as a remedy, but it was fanning the anger flames more, always ending in a diatribe.
Trust me marriage, requires you as a wife, to subdue all your miss independent attitude, and learn to talk to your husband! I had to learn!
It requires you as a husband, to really try and understand your wife’s point of view, engage her in a talk, to get to the root of her issue. She too needs to be heard.
I was now a wife right? And ready to build my marriage, so the lip service, “I can make it on my own!” “I can handle it!” had to all change.
As I say, you can learn to unlearn!
A loud voice always instigates anger, and anger is a trigger for disrespect.
The catastrophe of this is, if you end up disrespecting your husband out of an emotional imbalance, the end results is having a man who is emotionally unavailable. Men understand LOVE as R.E.S.P.E.C.T. so again, watch your lip service sister,
Women, understand an assertive leadership full of love. She responds to your Christ like character. So if you disrespect your wife, in the name of anger, she will either retreat from you or simply act out.
Her heart will be so calloused and you will simply be replaced, emotionally.
If you cannot talk in respect, just take sometime to cool off.
3. Never ever let the sun go down while still aggrieved.
OHHHH my pride! Love is not proud and that is one area, most of us, are weak at.
We get angry and hold onto hurts, onto past offenses, we taunt, we remind our husbands, we even stop being intimate with them as a form of “punishment!”.
Lord forgive us!
Anger is destructive. Anger leads to bitterness. Bitterness is the root of all unforgiveness.
Try to figure things out before you sleep. If you can’t, hold hands, pray, ask God to take control. Yes hold hands!
(Sometime I stretch my “fingers” then I remember..ok..pride out! I can do this! Pride get out of me! I eventually stretch out my hands in prayer! Asking for forgiveness from God!)
I know…it’s hard, but the word is, be willing to always start the reconciliation process.
Marriage is bigger than what either of you feels. It is a mature institution.
4. Never ever remind or taunt your spouse with a mistake done a long time ago.
I was in a public primary school where if you happened to do something wrong, the whole school would know. Everyone will keep taunting you till it becomes unbearable.
We all know the behavior we have as women.
“In 2009, you did this, then in 2010, you repeated again.” “You hurt me in 2011!” How could you do this again?”
Good grief! It’s 2016 Mrs. Trust me, you are killing your marriage. More like inhaling carbon monoxide. You won’t know when death hits.
So quit taunting your husband.
There are husbands who taunt their wives too with mistakes done in the 19th century. Quit lighting a “Jiko” in your house.
Taunting or “reminding” your spouse of their mistake is not only unfortunate, but an exhibit of our ballooned and inflated selves. It’s simply selfishness.
Taunting them is more than a mockery. It carries a lot of prejudice.
It’s more like digging up a copse. It’s really retrogressive rather than a remedy.
Forgive and move on! Move on! Move on!
5. Never ever be a fault finder, and if committed, approach it soberly! Correct in love or approach it The Hotdog way!
Human beings are mostly geared to just being evil. No matter how good you are, someone will always find fault.
If your relationship is good or thriving, another will say you are showing off. You cannot please everyone! Our hearts need God.
Unfortunately, if you keep finding fault in your partner, you will never miss one, two, three or lots of things that simply annoy you.
I still find some of my husband’s quirks quite annoying.
So quit finding trouble when there is peace in your family. In case you do, correct in love, or simply use what I say, the “HOTDOG” way. It works!
Praise then correct.
6. Never ever pass a request or make your spouse repeat it.
When you were courting, no request passed your hubby or you, then. You were eager to fulfill every little request, and even do more.
Unfortunately when most of us get married, we “arrive at our destinations”. We stop trying. We are complacent, and we assume each other’s requests, actually no, we ignore.
When my dad would make a subtle request in regards to anything, especially on what he loves eating most; “chapattis“, I remember mam jumping to her feet and making the meal pronto.
The greatest observation I made was when she had an exam the next day, and dad wanted “chapattis.”
Shock of my life! She didn’t put up a fight with him, or ask “You don’t know that i I have an exam tomorrow, Financial Management to be specific?” She stood up, went bought the flour, and make dad some nice yummy meal.
To reciprocate it, dad would run any errands for her, all she had to do was ask.
He would move mountains for her.
What a marriage! I celebrate them! It has been 33 years of their marriage, and our goal is to be all that and more!
I picked THAT lesson from my parents. Never PASS a request from your spouse.
Assumptions should never be part of your union. Do not assume “it is nothing much.”
We learnt the rule of NEVER PASSING your spouse’s request even if it seems too small to you.
If your wife makes a request, it means she has a need. Sort it.
Don’t turn her into a nag she isn’t.
If your husband makes a request, no matter what how “funny” it seems, fulfill it. It is his need.
7. Never ever dismiss each other, or make a remark…especially before your friends or family-(inclusive of children!), even in a “joking” manner.
We encountered one couple, and the husband kept calling to attention his wife’s weight. “She is too fat.” “She is the one who finishes all the food in the house.” “We cannot fit on the same bed nowadays.”
Well, he was joking, but my hubby and I kept throwing glances at each other. And we couldn’t help wonder, “what is wrong with this man!”
I could read her mood through all that, her eyes were mostly teary, and she kept excusing herself to go to the kitchen, only to find her crying there.
I think the alone time, gave my hubby time to just tell the guy, “Dude, what you are doing to her, isn’t right!”
You cannot make such remarks about your wife, and expect smiles from her.
You are hurting her feelings. If you have a problem, there is always a way to talk about it, but not making derogatory remarks about each other.
8. Never ever stop supporting each other.
Believe in each other, support each other in everything. Be your husband’s greatest fan.
Be your wife’s greatest cheerleader. Form your own perfect utilitarian canvass, by combining your unique individualities, and make a dynamic duo!
Support each other to be the very best God intended for both of you.
9. Never ever be cold when meeting or welcoming each other.
I know this is also easier said than done, especially when you both are not in good terms, but DO.
Of course when all is rosy, it’s so easy to hug your husband or wife, and tell them you miss them.
The test is, when you cannot see eye to eye.
I love what my husband says, “we keep going Hunnie!” “Even if we are not agreeing in this, we keep moving.”
Clearly, sometimes I think he understands the institution of marriage more than I do at times!
Jokes aside, marriage is bigger than two individuals. It is PERFECT, but we are IMPERFECT.
Marriage is a PERFECT institution, made by a PERFECT GOD, and BRINGS IN two IMPERFECT people.
So it needs A PERFECT GOD to sustain it, and make a PERFECT masterpiece!
So when you really don’t feel peachy towards each other, ask the PERFECT GOD to give you the strength to kiss and make up! HE can PERFECTLY do it!
10. Never ever part without saying loving words to each other.
Write notes, write poems, make a card, just something that will keep you two connected.
Yes there is WhatsApp and Viber, but put some effort into something. DIY cards, notes, etc. would do!
Always make sure you part in good terms! Always!
Never part when you are in bad terms!
11. Never ever be old in each other’s eyes.
Remember the “butterflies?” The tingling feelings each of you had towards each other?
Of course with time, the sparks give way to a constant radiance and love, but, never forget to stir those feelings constantly.
Make it your goal to keep the “spark”. Keep the fire burning!
Never be old in each other’s eyes. Do those things you used to do. Or better still, replace them with something better!
Never let boredom or complacency set in. Monotony is not good for marriage. Try do something out of your normal routine.
Be creative inside your marriage boundaries. Better things!
12. Never ever blame each other for own mistakes.
When you make a mistake, apologize. Don’t set your marriage on a blame game road. “If you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have done that.”
Be mature enough to take your cross and carry it!
Be responsible enough to admit your mistakes.
Be mature enough to set a better course.
13. Never ever settle for anything less than your marriage should be.
Marriages can never be the same, but you have the power to make it the best for you and your husband.
Never settle for anything less than it should be. Never settle for anything less than an abundant marriage.
Never listen to discouraging voices who say marriages fail. Feed on positive energy and attitude towards marriage!
Move mountains to make it work, and make it the best!
Of course, there will be some bumpy roads, but you can choose to either lament over the bumps or simply glide over them.
We chose to glide through, and so should you.
Make your marriage stupendous! Never settle for anything less in your marriage.
Make it work!
14. Never Cease to Pray.
Prayer does everything! It moves the PERFECT GOD into making the marriage PERFECT, and IMPERFECT people to be PERFECT for each other!
Do not let your PRIMARY YO be your spouse, otherwise you will crush each other under the weight of you expectations.
Focus on the AUTHOR AND PERFECTOR, of your marriage. Who is Christ.
Do not cease to pray for your marriage, because ALL THINGS GOD CREATED WERE AND ARE GOOD… AND SO IS MARRIAGE!
Always Pray! Never Cease to Pray!