Marriage Confessions; Dear Porn Addicted Husband.

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Marriage Confessions:

Dear Porn Addicted Husband…

I have decided to put this open on my blog because your wife said I might help you, and many others whom I don’t know. She said she caught you on a live chat with some “funny” looking woman but apparently you were so in the act that you didn’t hear her walking through the front door.

She said that you are Christians, so that makes my work even easier.

Pornography, it was.

You acted shocked and spent the whole day saying it was “nothing”…you just had a “need” and you needed to “ease up.” Right? Those were your words.

So you fought. You accused her of not satisfying you, that she has a problem, she was the problem, and she should be a loving wife, who submits to you rather than judge you.

You even went ahead to tell her about 1st Corinthians 13. Love that not easily angered. Love that covers a multitude of sins, and spent the night putting her down. You later said that it was a man thing!

A man thing? What do mean by a “man thing?”

You also said that so long as it doesn’t affect your marriage, it is “simply nothing.” What do you mean by “not affecting your marriage?”

In her heart, she is so sure that there is more than what meets the eye, of which I agree with her.

She is sure that it was not the first time, of which I agree with her, again. That It has been with you for a while, of which I still agree with her.

I don’t know you personally, and you sure don’t know me either. I have never been quiet, unless something is seriously bugging me or am sick. I am loud, and hype as the girl next door.

I love life, I love talking a lot, and sometimes my lips have put me in trouble. With that said, I hope it’s enough to tell you that I am not perfect, trust me.

I am not even close to be. I am simply a work in progress of which I credit all that to God because He has molded me into a person I never thought I would be.

I struggle everyday with my own weaknesses, of which i to give to Christ because I cannot handle them on my own.

Some, I learn to shed off through a very painful process, but I am always willing.

I am married too. To one husband, my John. He is a strong assertive man.

He too is not perfect, but he is a man who never says die. He keeps doing it and re-doing it till he gets it right.

He too is one man who has and still is being shaped by the Lord, daily, to be a PROVERBS 31 man.

He too has been constantly reminded by the Lord that his leadership should be as gentle as Christ’s leadership. When i speak, I speak not from anything else but lessons from God and my husband.

I will not sugar coat it for you and say it is okay, or it is “not anything” as you said to your wife, I will simply tell you this, it is a real struggle and wrong in all ways especially in marriage.

My husband tells me this, almost 90%+ of the men go through pornography addiction in their life. The thing is, it’s an addiction, not how God created you. So it is definitely not “a man thing.” If you said you reason out of logic, and your wife out of emotions, mostly, then I would have concurred with you…”it is a man thing.”

God made you so.

Porn robs you one thing in your marriage. Emotional intimacy with your wife. When you are there watching another woman, who apparently stimulates you more than your wife, you are not emotionally faithful.

Porn, No!

Faithfulness extends to whom you share your inner feelings with, your fears, your uncertainties, your vulnerabilities. It is not just physical. In fact, faithfulness is more emotional than physical.

Porn is selfish. It is a selfish act because it takes you from the “WE” bubble to the “I” bubble. “I had a need.” “I needed to ease up. I…I”

Did you ever think that she too has unresolved needs? Marriage requires two people who are mature enough to put the other first before them. Have you ever seen small kids, they cry for attention, sweets, anything! Everything has to start with them first.

As they grow up, they learn to share and even “give up” something for the other.

Marriage requires maturity. Mature enough to say, I need us to talk about our “intimacy” rather than have someone else fill up the space.

What is the borderline line when you say, “This habit affects my marriage, but this won’t!” What qualifies it? It takes only one step towards the wrong direction.

It takes one sip of alcohol and you turn into an alcoholic.

It takes one night with a man you don’t know, and soon you find yourself as twilight gal.

It takes one lunch with a man and he turns to be your “sponsor.”

Remember what Paul told the Philippians again.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

What is the truth? The truth is that she is your wife, not the woman on the “chat”. She is there physically with you. You married her. She is the wife of your youth.

What is honorable? That you should honor your marriage with a gift of giving yourselves to each other unreservedly. Do not defile your marriage bed.

What is just? That no one should compete with your wife. She should be the first and the only one.

What is pure? That your marriage bed should not be defiled by thinking about another woman or other women when making love to her.

What is lovely? That you should lead her with a gentle hand, physically and emotionally.

What is commendable? That you should let pornographic sites remain far away from you and refuse every thought that tries to creep in.

What is excellent? It is refusing every influence from within or without that tries to suck you into that vacuum of saying, “it won’t hurt my marriage”, because it sure will.

What is worthy of praise? It is a man who fears the Lord, and would do everything to protect his inter gritty and his good name!

Refuse to be like others, be an extraordinary man!

My husband John, knows that his leadership cannot be forceful. That’s not what God told him to do. God told him to love me as Christ loved the church. With love, comes easy submission.

Love, doesn’t give a blind pass to sins or mistakes, remember, “It rejoices in the truth!” So you putting your wife down and making her feel as if there is something wrong with her, is not right. You not taking responsibility of your actions and denying or shifting blame to your wife is not godly.

Leadership is not ruler-ship. Leadership is gentle while ruler-ship is authoritative and almost obnoxious! Do not deny that you have a problem. Accepting that it is there will put you on an “exit route.”

We accept that we are sinners, and we need a savior, and Christ then helps us.

Pornography has got all to do with you. Not you wife.

There was something missing but you did not communicate it when you felt the “miss”. You instead opted to fill the void. Probably you had or have some unresolved SExpectations but you didn’t talk about them. No wonder another “funny” looking lady can satisfy you rather than your wife whom you are physically with.

How about communicating to your wife about your SExpectations? How about telling her what you feel she can do to make it better for you and her?

As I said, it is an addiction, not a man thing. So try replace that addiction with something else. You simply replace a habit with another habit.

If the urge comes, how about taking a stroll? Help her with the dishes if you are in the house? Go shop for a few groceries? More so, confide in her. It will take all of your energy to say NO! but you can.

I have learnt that when a man DECIDES TO DO SOMETHING, He can DO IT!

Love is a decision, not just a feeling. So decide to get intimacy from your wife alone.

CHANGE HER LORD! OH WAIT CHANGE ME LORD!, – that should be our slogan. Let the Lord Change you first. Sometimes it takes one person in marriage to start of the journey. A woman submits freely to a man who loves her unreservedly! Ignite the change in her by changing first.

Change your attitude towards her, change how you talk to her, change how you see her, change how you present her to people. You will be shocked with her response. She will brighten up and bloom!

Submit to the Lord. It will be tough but you can. I think it is time to go back to the cross. Tell the Lord to teach you to be a better man. To be a great man…to be an extraordinary man!

The Lord is able. I have seen my husband move from being a good man to and extraordinary man!

I am married to a different John! All that he hast accomplished is not through his strength. He willingly submits to be taught. I can’t change him, but God can make smooth any rough edges in him that seem to cause a discomfort to me and vice versa.

Submit …submit and let God mold you. Let God teach you. God can teach you to please your wife in other forms that do not include porn. So let him teach you how to please your wife. There are books, seminars, retreats, but please. No porn or live chatting with “other women.”

Dear wife, I hope I hope I have helped you, but in the meantime. Do your part too.

Pray for your husband and talk with and to each other about your intimacy. Do not look at him critically and bitterly, embrace the journey of change with him if he is willing to change.

Do not let your marriage crumble.

As a wife, you have power on your knees, but please, do your part.

A wife builds her house with her own hands. It is the Lord who enables you.

As you pray, seek counsel and talk.

I will be praying for you both!

From a WIP (work in progress) wife.

with love.

Mary.

#marriageworks #Godspeed

 

 

 

 

3 COMMENTS

  1. The Lord bless you Mrs. Munene!Pornography turns intimacy to intensity. It corrupts the sex Life, all one want to do is self gratification. Once you are satisfied, it is enough and the other party doesn’t matter! Its a worship especially Christians need to understand. You visit a Pornsite, you have entered an altar. The Kind of Asherah Idols were sex gods and objects. Soon as a Christian Man you will run around satisfying what you have fed yourself with. It will be anything from #twilights to #fungas. From #colleagues to #churchmates. It never stops and you never get filled up. Men we need repentance-a complete shift, a complete turnaround, taking responsibility, seeking accountability and accepting change. #Godoverporn #Godspeed!

  2. Thanks. This is enlightening. Am not yet married but you’ve made me understand the dangers of porns. Many youths are also into it and as a result, they’ve defiled the temple of the Holy Spirit.

What is your take?