My hubby proposed to me after 5 years. 5 years!
People ask me why we dated for that long…and here is my answer…
Let me say this first, I wouldn’t tell someone to date for 2 years and get married. Or one shouldn’t date for more than 5 years because you will fall into temptations bla bla bla.
Trust me, you can wait!
It all depends on what works for both of you. For us, 5 years was the duration we took to seal the deal both on my side and my husband’s side.
You may wonder why, but we both had a lot to iron out before settling down.
Some of the issues many people ignore during their dating and courtship period often pose a challenge once you settle in marriage.
We had our pasts to deal with. We were from different family backgrounds. We were brought up differently. Our investments priorities differed and many more things.
Nevertheless, there was one thing we were both sure of, we were looking forward to marriage, our commitment was unquestionable!
We both knew the Lord, and He was our core.
So today I will not talk about the coffees we had or the numerous dates or selfies. No!
You see, a dysfunctional dating relationship sealed by marriage doesn’t make problems or issues go away; it simply cements you in a dysfunctional marriage.
Trust me, and that was one thing I personally didn’t want, to be in a dysfunctional marriage.
We both had our skeletons. I think he had a full closet and so did I. You think one year would be enough for us? For some maybe, for others 2 years is enough, for us it wasn’t!
Rushing or settling with a man to “change him” won’t work.
In fact this is marriage – accepting that you are both flawed and say I do.
As broken as both of you are, you accept each other’s weaknesses, strengths, dents, name them!
Did 5 years panel beat us enough to settle?probably yes, but still there was a part of him I still didn’t know, and a part of me that he still didn’t know and that’s what marriage exposes.
If you raise an issue before marriage, a big issue, and he/she responds with crying….and saying they are sorry, it’s fine. Sorry it is, but who can’t cry!
If he cries give him tissue.
If she cries, give her Toilex, anything to clear out her stuffy nose, then wait for a substantive change.
A change in character.
Saying sorry is simply that! SAYING. The sorry needs to translate into a verb. A sorry that can be seen as an action.
If you sugarcoat your issues when dating, it’s only a matter of time, the coating will soon melt away and your problems will be unmasked in marriage.
Honestly if you don’t see any change in that guy before marriage, don’t expect a pure haven in marriage.
If you don’t witness any change in that man, any change in his character before marriage, and still go ahead to commit your life to him hoping for a miraculous change, it’s akin to building your house on sand.
The wedding hype will be there, but as soon as the drums die down, and the real marriage life begins, all that you will be left with is disillusionment.
Character change says, “I know am not perfect, but am willing to learn, to grow and to be better for you.”
Character change says, “I will make mistakes even in this journey of my personal growth, but I promise not to stagnate or be proud.”
That is maturity.
Maturity asks, “What do I do to make it better.”
Not…”This is me, I can’t change and I won’t .” “That’s me, and that’s how we do it at home!” – rigidity is wrong and won’t help.
Remember that you are making your own bubble together, a home, a lifetime, a forever after…so be flexible enough to learn from each other.
A bling doesn’t change anything if CHARACTER hasn’t been witnessed first-hand.
It just makes your finger pretty!
If you know you have issues in your relationship, fix them first before committing. I know for most ladies, all they want is a “blinged” finger, but that’s not all in marriage.
A 24 carat diamond ring, or a gold coated ring doesn’t make issues disappear. It takes two mature individuals to sit and talk.
Character has to change first.
Do I mean that you need to marry a 100% perfect person? OH NO!
We can never achieve that perfection because we are human in nature and only the Lord makes us righteous everyday through his son Jesus Christ.
….but…those issues that are sore in your relationship need a fix-up before saying I DO.
I insist the character has to change first.
He will need to change because he loves the Lord and he also LOVES YOU!
No amount of coercion, screaming or throwing tantrums can make a man change.
It’s an intrinsic decision.
The Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path!”
Marry a man that is willing to be pummeled by the Lord, mature in body mind and heart, a man who understands commitment, and who is willing to learn and grow.
A man who is not superficial, the so called “men-boys”, whose are only attracted by a woman’s look.
Marry a man who is deep, who means what he says, and acts on it too!
Marry a man who sees the great you. A man who can push your dreams and challenge you to be better!
Marry a man who is not ashamed to show you to the world because he knows he is blessed.
Marry a spiritually sound man, who knows the importance of prayer and his priestly role in his family.
Marry a man who loves you unto death just as Christ Loves the church.
Marry a man with character.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.