Thank you for all your wishes. Really humbled to know that there are still remnants out there who believe that marriage can work! and it still works! Well, that said, it doesn’t mean that keeping up with each other’s expectations has been easy.
Before we got married we had had our fights! Some quite petty I must say (looking back), some were major (of which we had to wait for a substantive change in each others character!)
We had brought each other to boil many times…then made up after sometime of not talking to each other. (mhhhhhh)
It happens especially in courtship.
I mean, you piss each other of and walk away, because it’s that simple. Walking away!
My hubby would switch off the phone! Heheeee. (He says we were a bit dumb! And I couldn’t agree more!)
For me, I would simply snap! Talk uncontrollably for about 30 minutes or more, then walk away!
That’s the common scenario.
The lady goes to her house or her parents place, the guy retreats to his favorite joint and cools off by watching a million and one soccer games. His phone totally off!
Then comes the marriage!
Till death do you part! You can walk away when angry, but you cannot walk away from your marriage-unless otherwise if things are really ugly.
The 1st year in my marriage was a year of lessons and adjusting! If you had no adjustment issues, good for you! For me…was a OMG OMG moment!
It was an year where we could simply argue about anything and everything until we learnt that, if you decide to make anything an issue, it will be.
Well, the most hilarious argument we had was after our honeymoon.
We were excited to be in our own home. Pimp it like we had always dreamt of… I was excited to prepare a meal for a HUSBAND.
It sounded funny and weird at the same time… I remember Johnny sitting on a particular chair and asking me, “Hunnie, how do husbands sit?”
Then he showed me a couple of postures of which I found hilarious but we ended up sitting on the 3 set sofa, until today, unless we are individually doing our own Bible study, or reading, that’s when we get to use the single-seater.
Well due to his nature of work, he reported back almost immediately and I had some time to pack and unpack our stuff.
I remember one morning waking up so energetic and hang all the clothes, like a “good wife” should. I was ecstatic.
I prepared him some sumptuous meal, I prepared myself, and waited for my husband to come home.
I was psyched up to be a wife! He came home after work, we were happy to see each other, then he went to the bedroom to get a change of clothes.
Vualaaa CLOTHES all HANG!!…Buuuuuutttttt…Naaaaaaaaaahhhhhh….NOT HIS WAY!
My hubby literally yelled!”Mary!”
And I thought perhaps he probably had slipped in the bathroom or maybe he couldn’t find his T-shirts.
I rushed fast to our bedroom only to be met with a really blank stare…very blank.
Then he said, “trousers are not hang like this!”
He unhang all of them from the closest and put them on the bed.
Then he began showing me show to hang his trousers and his shirts!
He then went on and on…
“Hunnie, whites should be hang together, stripes together, this colors together,” bla bla bla bla bla bla….
Momentarily I zoned off. I couldn’t believe this guy, this man, is teaching me, Mary, how to do my things – “Home things!”
My mind raced with random thoughts but mostly I wanted to give him a piece of my mind…
How!!!????? Who does that?
How can he claim to teach me! Especially on household matters?
Who is this guy again!!! Then he said, “Hang this here, hang this there…hang that there”.
Goodness… I was literally above the roof. My mouth began burning out. I couldn’t keep quiet. I snapped! PAP!! Again!
A lady’s voice has been scientifically proven to carry anger inducing frequencies especially when ones patience is almost paper thin!
(Ladies watch your tone especially when talking to your husband.
He might be born again and spirit filled, but when provoked, a man is a man! He was a man before saying yes to Jesus!)
We began arguing, I told him that am not stupid, I had hang my clothes for 27 years, I knew what I was doing. He went ballistic. He was mad! I had never seen that side of him.
I knew he would keep quiet and just need his time off when he is disappointed, but being mad mad really mad…I had not seen that side of him.
He knew I was crazy. But also not that crazy to a point of answering him back and pointing at him like he was a small boy.
The argument was bad. It moved from clothes, to accusing each other of wanting to change one another.
Then I went and pulled out the Colgate we were using at our honeymoon.
I told him the way he was messy! Pressing it from the middle instead of the end! I hated that!
So clothes, Colgate… All made up a huge mess in our house. Just immediately after the honeymoon, we were barely 4 months.
Trust me it happens. And bouncing back was hard work. Of course I still cooked that evening but the house was cold until we decided to talk and iron things out.
It seems very stupid and petty right now when we look back, but it sure did shake us up!
It was not just about the ring, or having our fingers all “blinged”.
It was not about the title.
It was serious and we had to find our path as fast as we could.
The problem is we did not even know what each others needs were. We had to figure them out ourselves, but more importantly, be willing to yield to each other.
I needed appreciation, he needed respect., but WE both had the SELVES in us, and the SELF HAD TO DIE for us to progress!
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
This are the lessons I learnt from my 1st year in marriage
1. I always tell guys not to hold the expectations card against each other.
My hubby expected me to receive his correction with calmness but I snapped out.
I expected him to say thank you, but I didn’t receive it. Both were valid but we were both wrong at how we handled the situation.
2. We didn’t exactly know each other’s needs. I needed appreciation for the effort-because why lie, I don’t like hanging clothes! He needed respect.
Ladies love to be appreciated. From the simplest things they do to the biggest of them all. Men understand respect.
THE SELF HAS TO DIE IN MARRIAGE! IT HAS TO DIE!
- A soft word turns away wrath. Always. At times, it might be hard, but you have to keep doing it till it becomes part and parcel of you.
You cannot solve anything if you both have your minds on an emotional roller-coaster at that time.
One of you needs to calm down to salvage the situation otherwise you risk having a very unhealthy marriage full of bitterness.
- You can learn to re-learn and unlearn some things. You see, the fact that you are from different backgrounds, brought up differently, that it enough to wear you out if you keep imposing your idiosyncrasies on your partner.
Embrace your differences, celebrate them, and enjoy them. With time, you will have your footing, both of you…
Nowadays, I have gotten the grip of how he wants he trousers hang!
- Sort your issues within. Do not entertain having emotional inlets or outlets.
The arguments may weigh you down, but you need to learn to fight maturely and without involving someone else who understands you more.
It’s a temporary facade, a momentary high and it opens the loophole to having an affair very early in your marriage.
Grow up and deal with your issues without involving Facebook and Twitter!
If they spill over, find your confidants and let them help you out.
Not everyone is trustworthy so choose wisely whom you confide your issues to!
- At the end of day, apologize. Do not sleep angry.
- Then let go. Always let go. Life is too short not to enjoy your marriage. Let the pain and the hurt go! Let God work instead.
- Do not entertain bitterness in your heart. Ladies have that tendency. They carry grudges from 1900 till now!
Grudges will weigh you down. Apart from fading out your marriage, it fades out your relationship with the Lord too! At the end, you cannot pray, you quit church, your esteem fades…all because of bitterness!
- BE THE CHANGE FIRST! Be the catalyst in your marriage. Take the step of change, before wanting your hubs to change. Be willing to start the journey. He will come round!
- Pray and pray! Prayer works for me.! It works for us! At the feet of Jesus, I find my rest, I find my peace, and He pummels us! Prayer is never cliche!
So as you walk down the aisle this Saturday, Sunday, or any other day of the week, remember that you are walking into marriage.
When the hype dies down, the real work begins.
The biggest tragedy of marriage is not even a divorce, it’s living in an unfulfilled marriage, being less than what it was desired to be.
So work out your marriage! Make it stupendous! The Lord is able!