The valentine frenzy has died down.
Whether single or married, I hope we have learnt a thing or two from our own experiences.
Flowers are cute, candy is sweet, but do those gifts equal to how your relationship is then, or what you are trusting God for?
Well, I also so want to appreciate all your encouraging DMs’, emails and asking me to talk about some issues, of which I will. I know the Lord will give me the right words!
Someone asked me how I came to know that Johnny was the right guy for me after letting all other bad relationships go.
That question took me back many years ago and I began re-living my dating and courtship life with him before we settled down, and what every single person out there needs to do before settling down.
Right now I have so much to say but I pray for the right guidance from the Lord.
I will not try to separate his side from the mine but I will combine them based on the experience that Johnny and I have had.
How God might confirm that your spouse is indeed your spouse might be a different experience from mine, but God circles around the same things if you seek his will.
If you have read my ultimate surrender post, you probably have a background of where I was coming from.
I was hanging onto relationships that literally drained my life.
I conformed to the “dating life” that was socially acceptable to everyone and not to the Lord.
I knew deep down that the relationships I kept having weren’t going anywhere but I kept at it…after all, I really didn’t want to be heard am alone, I wanted to be bought for all the cute stuff, texted late night… Yet I knew I wasn’t in the Lord’s will…
It was until I decided that enough was enough.
I made a hard decision that made me cry all the way from CITAM to KU.
My life took a turn. I lost friends, I could hear people talking behind my back, but I simply couldn’t handle that draining life again…
Was the walk lonely, yes! But I was determined to follow the Lord wholeheartedly without having anyone’s approval… And I wasn’t alone, the Lord walked with me.
The truth of the matter is we put God in this box that HE HAS to sort us out in the next one year if not…if not what?
Then you go around saying that you are waiting on the Lord, by the virtue that YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING AROUND!
Are you really?
Of course that is a component of it but the real essence is this, I realized that it’s GOD WHOM WE KEEP WAITING.
God keeps waiting ON YOU TO POSITION YOURSELF IN HIS WILL, and withhold nothing about everything in your dating /love or whatever you may want to call it.
You are delaying GOD TO ACT BY RUNNING AROUND CLUELESS OF WHAT TO DO! … Or you might know but simply refuse to act, consciously or otherwise.
God is waiting for you to move into his realm, then He will move Boaz to find you.
I have observed a couple of ladies say, “If I get someone serious, I will settle down with them “.
It’s alright, because we want serious guys, but 3 years down, what exactly will hold you together?
Because if God didn’t initiate it from the start, then when the honeymoon phase is over, who will you run to?
Trust me, it’s easy to say, ohhhh respect the man God gave you, love your wife, submit to your husband bla bla bla bla…
Wait until you get there, then you realize ohhhh….myyyyy….Gooooodddd…..
She is so unlovable, he is rigid and nothing spells progress.
You realize that beyond the books you read there’s you and him and you need to GET YOUR OWN RHYTHM!
Your own tempo! Not Mine, nor the books, yours!
You begin to write your own experience.
Knowledge is good and it is power, but there will be you and him… And how you apply that knowledge to the spouse the Lord gives you separates a marriage from an amazing marriage.
I keep telling guys, our first year was thunder and lightning in the house.
My hubby’s ego, fat ego, his convictions, my self-independence know it all attitude took the center stage in all we did.
Did we get to a point of thinking “God did I really hear you?”
We did. I questioned God everyday if He was there when I made that decision to say I Do.
And trust me, He was… But the problem wasn’t Him. It wasn’t God.
He gave me an amazing spouse but our hearts were still rigid to learn.
I had done everything before saying yes to his proposal.
So what was the issue? The issue was US. Me and Johnny.
We came with our mentalities, idiosyncrasies, philosophies, etc. into our marriage and we were so rigid to change.
More so me, because I deemed my family background “perfect.”
That’s a story for another day… Family background and how it affects our marriages.
So how did we or I do it before saying I Do?
- Let go of the past. Totally let go.
Now, while people are different, I often ask myself, how do you get so hang up to your ex, calling him every time your heart is broken, or lonely, or you need a plus one and expect God to drive Boaz your way?
How will you see a Boaz? When you keep saying, “we are just friends.” With your ex?
Oh my. Please don’t lie to yourself.
If you intend to get married, your best of friend, the one who knows the color of your poop, is your husband. Period!
If your relationship is zero grazed only to food, shopping, work and children then there’s a problem.
You call your ex to vent then run to God and say, “God why are you withholding my hubby or wife.”
Worse is probably you rebound in sex.
It never works! And cutting those ties will be another turmoil.
So cut off those ties you have that you know are not adding any value to you.
Stop being a coward. Fearing being alone! Honestly I enjoyed myself and found freedom after cutting off.
Cut off! Who said it’s a crime to go grab coffee alone while reading a book? Or treating yourself out?
These relationships we keep around that don’t add value need to go without having fear or living in trepidation that someone will call you weird.
Trust me I still enjoy my alone time because in solitude God speaks.
When the noise has all died down, God speaks.
In solitude, His voice is crystal clear.
- Deepen your relationship with the Lord.
So this was a challenge that cut across two sides.
This is what I mean.
Just because you are “deep” doesn’t mean that your relationship with Christ is deeper.
You might know the Bible inside out, speak in tongues, never miss a Bible study, never miss church, be this “perfect” lady or man who is known everywhere in church, BUT NEVER KNOW THE MAN OR THE WOMAN you have in your house.
God doesn’t seek a performance based relationship.
That if you miss a Bible study you are suddenly a sinner!
He seeks a one on one relationship. A heart to heart relationship.
He doesn’t need you to go to him in perfection and so poised.
He wants to make that raw clay into a master piece worthy of being displayed because HE HAS WORKED IN YOU and ON YOU!
But you got to have a relationship with God. Where you tell Him your struggles candidly. Openly.
A relationship with God helps you to duplicate the same on earth as you are finding your Ruth or waiting to be found miss.
You will seek openness, honestly, true conversation, assurance as you are getting to know the person God intends for you to have.
I was telling my hubby the way in Church, when I was single a certain intercessor came to hit on me with certain rhymes like, “ohhhh my sister you are so blessed, the Lord is shining on your face.”
“You know God is amazing, and you look amazing today, my sister the Lord has blessed you.”
Then he had this inclined “holy pose”, just to make me see that well, am truly saved.
I had established a relationship with Christ that I knew how I communicated to him and this self-righteousness, poised, rehearsed, well calculated look was not what I had with Christ.
I was just myself in His presence.
Going as I was with my dirt and filth and asking Him to wash me because I love Him and I was willing to serve him.
So how could I have the opposite in a man.
Just because he was “deep”, didn’t mean that his relationship was… I mean if he goes to God with that holier than thou attitude, what of to a mortal being like me?
I asked the Lord for a man who loves the Lord unreservedly and has a true relationship with Him, and God sure did bring me such a man.
He knew he is in the potter’s hands too. His love for Christ was so genuine that it was a turn on!
I needed that. A man who knows Christ one on one. Because we could both relate on a one on one based relationship, not a performance based relationship….
That brings me to number 3…
- Pray Pray Pray
So my hubby said “hey” to me for the first time and I sort of froze because he was hot.?
I loved the whole package outwardly before we even became…
Of course later, as circumstances played by we got to speak… But then, at the back of my mind I knew something else.
The Bible says this…
The devil comes as an angel of light and even his ministers transform themselves as ministers of RIGHTEOUSNESS.!
Are you seeing that word? Righteousness.
Something right, approved, perfect and good.
So you could be thinking all men in Praise and Worship are so godly but…shhhhh…. Take a step back, kneel and pray.
There’s no other formula!
My prayer was simple. I told God to ripple the waters around me and cut this Johnny man off if he is NOT the man I am to spend my life with.
I was ready to just let go of anything that was not in the will of God for my life.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted him to go because he was soooooo damn hoooooottttt… But I had to put that aside and say, “Lord I know he is so packaged, but if he is not mine Lord, remove him”.
It was my everyday prayer… Funny enough the more I prayed, the more persistent he became.
At one given point I told him I can’t go out with him because I don’t trust men, but he kaizened even more.
I took my time in prayer and began dating an year later after we met.
I still did continue to pray because I knew marriage is a serious commitment.
My question to God was, is this him Lord?
Don’t expect Him to answer in any defined way. He might speak through dreams, visions, a certain gut feeling that won’t go away, makes the guy stop communicating… He answers differently.
So get on your knees sister. Get on your knees my brother.
There is no other formula to that, just pray.
- Do they add value to you or drain you?
Anyone who comes to your life and drains you rather than challenge you to be better is a no go zone.
After praying and praying, you got to open your eyes and ears.
Watch and listen…
If he leads to sin, there’s a problem.
You are saved but puts a clause that he will leave if you don’t get intimate, run!
He says sex shows how much you love him, run!
She seeks your pocket more than your heart, run!
Prayer with him is a problem, run!
Prayer to her is boring, run!
Watch and listen!
Unfortunately, most of us are usually busy yapping you forget to listen.
In fact, marriage is mostly about listening.
Being talkative is alright, I talk a lot more than my hubby, but you got to listen to what that man is saying and ask questions.
Now, what pisses me off is that most ladies are so desperate to settle down that even in listening they draw conclusions for themselves…
The guy clearly says he can’t cook for a woman… Or a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not out there.
Then you think… Ohhhh he will change, I will make him change. How?
Who told you?
You ignore or out rightly decide it’s a non-issue.
Trust me, it will be an issue when you have been promoted and he is thinking, you can’t be getting home at 9pm!
Did you listen, and ask, “what do you mean by that?”
I had to ask Johnny a million and one questions, a million times because I needed to be sure of what I had heard.
Just because he is all that doesn’t mean that marriage will work in a split second. No!
Otherwise our first year would have been a walk in the park, but we had adjustment issues, yet we were in constant communication and talk for 5 years.
Clearly, that should tell you that marriage is more…
Now, imagine if we didn’t ask and dig deeper into each other when were single?
Ask about his past life, her past life, your expectations of the future, work stuff ministry and church and which church you will be going to.
Ask about traveling in case your job dictates that, finances and bills, where to first stay and why (otherwise you will live with your mother in law), relatives, in-laws and their place in your relationship, what happens if baby comes sooner or you don’t get kids at all…ask and ask.
Stop fearing that he will go.
If that will be the end of you and him just because of asking questions…Too bad, that was not the man for you…
Unfortunately, ladies get manipulated. Apparently the guy gets sick and doesn’t feel trusted if you ask him questions.
Biggest lie from the devil.
That is a red flag in itself.
If it was an interview, wouldn’t he answer to get the job?
What about you? Someone he wants to spend his life with…?
The man or woman God brings to you should propel you to your destiny.
Push you to be better in ministry, at work, if you do some sport, they got to be your destiny pushers.!
…. Singleness to marriage series, #my life will continue…
If single and praying for a spouse, may the Lord guide you…