Java moments – QUESTIONS TO ASK.
Now, everytime I get someone telling me that they are settling down, I get mixed feelings.
I become overly excited about it, but at the same time, a somber mood engulfes me.
I often wonder if they have thought through the process or it’s simply because everyone else is getting married.
I often wonder if they are really psychologically prepared – since nothing is more serious than a lifetime commitment, and all begins during courtship.
Am saying courtship because courtship carries more weight than dating.
In courtship, you cease to be casual and delve into more serious matters.
Courtship has a purpose, and the purpose is to know this person that you will one day say I DO to.
Marriage it’s not a mere achievement, it’s a covenant.
Covenants were serious and at times, never sweet, but sacrificial and painful. They were binding and came with dire consequences if broken.
I am still learning and growing in my marriage, but the Lord has been gracious enough to teach me a lot through His crash course.
We have had our share of “wars” with my husband, and consequently have learnt to fight maturely.
We falter at times, and our human side gets the best of us, but have never at one point given up the fight.
We forgive, kiss and make up and live to say marriage does work.
We have grown in leaps and bounds. We are not where we were 5 years ago.
I often wonder if the two lovebirds have thoroughly dealt with each other’s past, how patient they have been with each other in the present and how prepared they are for the future.
We get answers like, “We are so good! “, “We thank the Lord.”
Then my hubby asks, “If your wife gets a job abroad, what will you do?” and the guy has no answer.
I ask the lady, “If you get pregnant and your husband tells you to quit working, what will you do? ” and she too, cannot answer.
They both look at us with blank faces, appalled and dismayed. We can already tell that they still need a homework or two.
You see, anticipating future isn’t just about thinking of the good times that will follow you.
It’s thinking about the inevitable circumstances that will knock at your door and threaten the core of your marriage if not thought through thoroughly.
Java moments give you that opportune time to discuss those little nuances.
Java moments give you that opportunity to identify those little foxes that could destroy your vineyard in future.
At the beginning of any relationship, everyone is at their best, but then comfort, familiarity, predictability and so forth begin creeping in as the relationship progresses, and their hard guards begin to drop.
He used to text the whole day, he begins texting twice a day.
She could call anytime, suddenly, she only calls when in distress.
If such behaviors are left untamed and are not discussed during courtship, don’t expect an improvement in marriage.
There are many questions that need to be asked, but I will tell you of our most important questions.
Question 1. What are your expectations?
I guess there’s nothing more disillusioning than overpromising and not keeping your word.
There’s nothing wrong with having expectations, but be sure that you have communicated them to each other.
Be sure that you are on the same path.
The number one disappointment in relationships is surprisingly this, having expectations that weren’t delivered or undelivered.
So if you have carefully weighed all your options, observed each other and have finally decided to court, then ask, “what are your
Ask what are his or her expectations.
Are they considering marriage in the near future?
Don’t assume that you know.
Probably he’s not thinking about marriage in the next 10 years, are you okay with that?
Probably she’s not thinking about settling down until she’s through with her PHD are you going to court for the remaining years? Are you okay with that?
Probably she just wants a good time, nothing serious, yet you are trying to shove the marriage talk down her throat, it’s not going to work.
Probably he is just looking for casual encounters, someone to keep him busy since his career is at a plateau stage.
Ask each other, what are your expectations?
If they would want to settle down, will they consider a customary wedding, will it be done at the Ag’s office or will you be joined in church?
Don’t assume that it will be in church! Even if he is born again and HolySpirit filled!
I have seen many assuming that they will hold a wedding only for the guy to turn around and say that it’s expensive for nothing.
Yet you visualized yourself a hundred times and more, walking down the aisle.
If you find it expensive, discuss and agree to terms that are win-win to both of you.
Don’t assume that she will automatically understand.
What do they expect of you as a lady?
Don’t assume that you know him. Feelings waver.
Some men think courtship automatically gives them the keys to your pants and you should act like a wife!
As a matter of fact, if you don’t know how to cook gourmet meals, just tell him that you don’t know how to cook. Simple.
Any person should love you for who you are, not what you do for them.
Miss, it’s alright to keep your scorecard high, but if you keep cooking for him, do laundry, wash his knickers, change his bedsheets, scrub his bathroom, iron his clothes all in the name of impressing the guy, you are missing the point of courtship.
All those men who stray from their homes have wives who are chefs, you are just but a shadow.
Let him know that you are an asset indeed, worth investing in. Period!
By how you carry yourself, how intellectually stimulating you are and being able to challenge his every being.
Yes! let him invest if he needs returns.
You are not a liability.
If he loves you enough, he will take you to a cooking school when you settle.
Ask her, “what are your expectations of me? ”
I have seen ladies take advantage of the man, just because she’s in a relationship with him.
She calls to ask for credit, bus-fare, some even demand for the man’s credit card.
Treating each other out is more than welcome, but know the thin line between giving out of love, enabling and outright manipulation.
Know each others expectations before you go any further in your relationship.