Has your husband or wife ever made you so angry that you cannot see yourself forgiving them?
Have they ever made you so angry that answering them rudely actually made you “feel better?” …
I know we have been there. I have, many times.
Many times, I feel that my anger is justified and warranted.
Many times, I feel that my husband’s action is an adequate cause of my misery and he deserves nothing but sheer pain.
Many times, we shift blame, bouncing it to and from one another. It’s easier and less strangling.
Then there are those times I behave as a pure moralist who believes in “moving on as soon as angered.”
My anger is there but I choose to deny it all in a bid to maintain an illusion of peace.
You see, anger can be present but denied. We deny it’s extent or shift blame. I choose to pretend patience, than acknowledge that this preserved anger is just for myself, at least to keep my sanity.
But most often when our spouses hurt us, we relish the thought of them hurting too.
Say employing tactics like cold war, ignoring or simply replacing them in our busy schedules.
When they hurt, we feel like God is on our side. Oh we feel like Jesus Christ has finally answered some long prayer and he’s vindicating for us.
We feel like the legion of angels in heaven are singing Hallelujah with us!
Our indignation over the sins of our spouses blinds us to our very own fault.
“They deserve it “, we say and repeat it to ourselves until it becomes a necessary creed.
“We are not at fault since they caused it.”
“If only they didn’t provoke us, we wouldn’t have reacted the way we did.”
Well to a certain degree it’s true, but WE HAD A CHOICE. We always have a choice in the way we choose to handle a situation.
If you are like me – a tree that is still being pruned, often you will find yourself failing, but there’s always A CHOICE.
The easier way is to shift blame, than acknowledging a malignant tumor of self centeredness exists.
I get angry and answer back.
I get angry and sometimes get into a cold fight with my husband.
We will talk but touch nothing that centers on our hurt hearts.
We might talk about Rwanda, Uganda, SGR, Tokens, anything but US.
Is it healthy – yes and no. Yes, as it keeps the wheel of communication spinning, but, but, but, we haven’t addressed the issue at hand.
Our own selfishness. That is the issue.
The truth is, the sin of selfishness engulfs us many times, and no matter how we try to deodorize it with our personal “niceness”, claiming that our actions were warranted, the only cure is a true repentant heart.
To address this, one of us has to “sink low” and ask for forgiveness. Who likes it anyway?
We would rather act as the judge, the jury and the prosecutor. It suits our selfish hearts.
Am not talking about the kind of “sinking” that says, “Am sorry, how many times should I repeat this? ”
Am talking about the agonizing sorry that’s so hard to give.
Being broken is hard. Dying to self is hard, and asking for forgiveness, especially if you know that you were misunderstood is even harder.
That’s what am talking about.
I can only imagine how it was for Christ. He was so innocent yet He bore our pain to a point of death. He “sank that low” for us.
That’s the kind of relationship God calls us to have with our spouses.
The kind that bears all. Of course we cannot archive that perfection and that’s why God’s character of grace and patience comes in.
He is patient for all to come to Him through repentance.
He gives us the grace to extend grace to our spouses when in actuality, all they deserve is harshness for the pain they put us through.
It’s only until we realize the weight of His holiness that we accept our frailties and a need for His saving grace.
Then and only then can we choose to forgive and become centered more on the other person and not concentrate on healing our selfish souls.
It’s not easy. It’s painful and hard but achievable.
So tonight, I choose to rid off all selfishness once again…
I choose to extend out an olive branch and not mete out justice…
I choose to say, “Father forgive me for I have sinned”, than “Father forgive him for sinning against me…
I choose to say, “Change me Lord” than saying, “Lord change him.”
I choose to destroy my record of wrongs..
I choose to be patient…
I choose to use my mouth to encourage and not to tear down….
I choose to do my part, I choose to do my best, will you?