I have a strong personality, that can be easily misconstrued as arrogance. But the truth is, my personality has gotten me into trouble more often than not, especially with my husband.
I have grown, but this was a major issue in our first year of marriage.
If you are a firstborn, a lady or have labeled yourself “miss independent”, this could help you. I am a combination of the above. A firstborn and used to “getting things done, ” at my own pace.
Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with earning, getting your PhD at 25, putting on stilettos, rocking a 250-dollar hairpiece. Nothing wrong with that.
But is that all femininity is about? Can femininity be tied down to achievements and traits like being a good cook and smelling good?
Again that’s part of it, but not entirely it.
Let me explain why. God created us for relationships and through relationships, our core purpose is established.
I mean God didn’t just create us purposefully to wear weaves or show off our new lipstick on Instagram.
He created us with distinguishable authority from the man because He knew that there’s something unique in us that men do not have.
Now, being a go-go-getter, I thought being pious, and submissive was deliberately laying down my ambitions, dreams, and all for someone else.
Trust me, we fought day in day out.
I fixed things in the house without telling my husband and if I did tell him, I expected him to jump and be on the go as soon as I mentioned it.
I didn’t give my hubby any space to be “the man”.
Yes, you are probably thinking, “you?” Oh yes, me!
We sat down and had the conversation over and over about my loose tongue in the heat of any argument.
I didn’t spare him an inch. I gave him a piece of my mind every time he angered me and trust me, I could talk.
Let’s talk about my anger. I could snap if he made a simple mistake. I snapped at every human mistake he did. I snapped and snapped.
Trust me, I had a huge part to play in the fights we constantly had.
Did I have an expensive mate lipstick on? Yes!
Did I make my hair and nails often? Yes!
Did I cook? Yes!
Did I have the necessary papers to get me a good job? Yes!
Did I do laundry? Yes!
Did I bake? Yes!
Did I love selfies? Yes!
From the above traits, I was definitely feminine but is that all that’s needed to make a marriage work?
Why do we fight for roles that God didn’t place in us?
Why do we compete for his position in the family?
Do you know that when Adam and Eve sinned – Eve was the one who took the apple and gave to Adam, but God called out to Adam. God asked “Adam, where are you”?
Adam was to be the leader, and God needed to know why he had absconded his duty to lead.
Do you really want that responsibility?
Do you know our husbands will be questioned by God on how they led their families?
Our role in the family is equal to what God expects of the man, it’s not anything less. From what God has taught me, I actually feel our role more critical.
We have the same authority to SERVE EACH OTHER and how we express it is different.
They express it by making core decisions and that takes a leadership role, we express it by supporting our husbands.
Why do you compete with your husband? Note, I am not talking about a boyfriend! Am talking about your HUSBAND.
Of course, you would expect a husband and wife to discuss family issues, budget, etc., but what if he doesn’t initially? What will make him be open enough to let you in his innermost chamber?
You see, we think that “liberalization” and female emancipation works in marriage. I have been there, done that and the hard truth is that it doesn’t.
Femininity has everything to do with a woman’s attitude toward herself and to others as she gets involves in relationships.
If you value yourself less, feel demeaned, or don’t love yourself enough then even if you get married to Angel Gabriel, you will still think he is mean and egocentric.
A Godly woman, who is uniquely feminine knows so well that her contribution to her family and how she relates to her husband is directly correlated to matters within herself, more so, her heart.
A woman is feminine if she’s able to “invite” her husband in to herself and encourage him to move towards his God given abilities and purposes. That’s how God created us. Remember His judgement, was on the woman’s relationship to the man, both physically and emotionally.
The judgment that God passed on both of them wasn’t necessary bad, but it was to tell them openly in black and white, that they cannot do without God and without each other.
Man, you need your wife’s encouragement.
Woman, you need your husband’s sensitivity.
Look at every woman around you. With all honesty, we feel feminine when we can establish quality relationships that hold. Be it with your sisters, brothers, cousins, mother, father or a husband.
You may be happy that you have finished school and graduated, but a sense of completion comes when you have a solid support system somewhere. That’s how God created us. And no wonder we are told that we are home makers. God wasn’t out of his mind. Neither did he peg that definition on cooking and serving your husband alone.
He meant that your quality of being feminine will assist your husband navigate through the hard world as he works hard to provide for you and nourish you. We are created to nurture. To nurture relationships and more so our marriages.
Being feminine isn’t about just getting a degree, having a great lipstick on, wearing a perfect set of skinny jeans and having well manicured nails. Of course that’s part of it but, femininity transcends far above any moral code or some common traits that are flagged.
Femininity is being able to establish a good, warm relationships, more so to your husband, so conducive that it gives him the liberty to be fully vulnerable without being judged, and confident enough in his abilities.
Femininity is the quality of having a tranquil soul and a still heart, a haven that can provide safety for your husband and family amid a crisis.
Femininity is being able to nurture your children with a love that shields them and at the same time lead them to recognize the God given authority that the Lord has bestowed in the family – i.e. your husband. It’s not about spoiling your kids to a point of them not respecting your husband.
Femininity is about discovering your God given abilities for the nourishment of your family.
Ask yourself this, when was the last time you encouraged your husband?
When did you last appreciate his physique?
When did you last tell him that he is strong?
When did you last text him to say that you miss him? Not “I need 2000 shillings”.
When did you tell your kids to hug their dad because he works so hard to provide?
When did you last welcome him home with a smile and told him that he’s appreciated?
Unfortunately, we do the opposite.
We nag, we complain, we compare, we criticize, we put them down, we whine, we grumble, we make a fuss out of everything.
In fact, we don’t know how to “invite” and nourish them – we instead bash them.
That is not being feminine.
Femininity is all about “inviting” your husband to your world.
A world of sensitivity and nourishment. He should be able to feed from you more than he is feeding from his “boys”. If you talk harshly and act like you don’t care, always demeaning his efforts and do not appreciate him, you won’t “catch” his masculine side.
He needs to know that he can move and conquer the world no matter what, and he has a solid fan somewhere – a fan called “his wife”!
As you do that, you don’t need to find groups to empower your feminine side or assert yourself in the house because, your husband will free you to be yourself who God intended you to be.