There’s so much abuse in the family in the present times. The protector has become the predator. The one who guards has become the intruder. The comforter and the beacon of the family has aimlessly been wandering around.
The one who has been bestowed the godly authority over the family has sadly relinquished this privilege to the preacher in the streets, the radio presenter, the blogger, the salonist, the gym trainer and the bottle. The priest of the home has become the devourer.
What is happening with men today is alarmingly unprecedented! Why have we become so ungodly? Where did the rain start beating us? Why so many cases of wives being battered and families stricken out by the fathers? Why all these domestic violence?
Where is the man who was given dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth? This man was commanded by God to be fruitful and multiply. He was commissioned to fill the earth and subdue it, (Genesis 1:28).
Where is this man?
Where is the man who is to be the head of his family? The custodian of the laws of the Lord. The counselor, the wise man, the able vision bearer?
Where is the man who fortified the family hedge and kept watch unrelentingly?
The standards set in the Word are loud and clear.
Anyone who is a father should first be a husband
1st Corinthians. 7:1-5, Therefore, being a responsible father first necessitates being a good husband. One must love, honor, nourish and cherish his wife in every aspect of her life.
Colossians 3:19 tells us that “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them!
1st Peter 3:7 reminds us that “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”
These are the fundamentals of being a good father. It all starts with being the right husband to your wife. You can’t be a good father and at the same time a bad husband. You can’t be a good husband and a bad father. On this one, you can’t be two sided.
The love and respect a husband receives from his wife and children should be honored and cherished.
Ephesians 5:28,29 “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation.
The man, biologically, was created full of strength. He was designed and created to be physically stronger than the woman. It’s in our DNA. Our Testosterone dictates our body mass, bone formation, sexual urges, competitiveness, aggressiveness, motivation, risk taking, the kind of sports we play, how we impress the woman and so forth. But is there a way we can control it?
Many men have the tendency of suppressing their emotions and being overly self-reliant. Many have failed to control their emotions, feelings, urges and motivations, leading to the emergence of domestic violence and abuse in the society.
They blame it on cultural backgrounds, low paying jobs, poverty, drugs, the bottle, stress, P.T.S.D, and other myriad excuses. Having grown up in a patriarchal society, men always feel the need to be the dominant partner in the relationship. The domination could be physical, sexual, financial or psychological/emotional, leading to domestic violence.
Domestic violence may be physical, which includes battering your wife, getting their hair pulled or being pushed; psychological violence includes threatening your wife, frightening or belittling her, insulting her or even putting her under curfew on certain things. Talking in a condescending manner to her is also a form of psychological violence.
Financial violence is when you want to control all the money in the home to a point that your wife has little or no say in the family basket. This is also portrayed when you micromanage every cent that your spouse spends to a point that she can’t spoil herself once in a while.
Many cases of financial violence occur when the man is earning much more than the wife – always reminding her that he’s breadwinner or even much more less than the wife – his wounded ego makes him want to assert himself over the wife!
Contrary to the belief that women are spenders, 99 percent of the women are good managers of the finance docket in the family and its biblical Proverbs 14:1;1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.). A wise woman will come into your life to better it. A godly wife will enrich you and help you achieve your vision. She’s a homemaker. Cherish her.
Another form of domestic violence is sexual violence. This comes in the form of rape, forcing your spouse to do certain sexual acts or even daring your spouse to do them.
Marriage is not all about sex, though sex is one of the ingredients that sediments love, companionship and commitment to each other. Your wife should yield to you unconditionally out of love and not due to coercion.
Love making should and must be physically and emotionally consensual. My wife always says that sex is an ongoing process. It starts in morning, builds up in the afternoon, and culminates in the evening! It’s not just an act. I woo my wife every day. I court her continually. I purposefully make deliberate actions to express my love for her.
I have heard several excuses of domestic violence from men; I just snapped, my buttons were pushed, I had had a bit to drink, it wasn’t that bad, can’t I defend myself? And all sorts of reasons.
Does it mean your emotions control your behavior?
Is it that people control your reactions?
Are you numb to your wife’s or children’s feelings?
Are you trying to justify your behavior?
Proverbs 25:28 reminds us that “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls.”
The man who lacks self-control, restraint and love is like a city without a wall. A man who can’t guard his own heart from the social vices and poisons of the heart will be unstable in all he does. A man who does not find his purpose through the Creator (God) is void of direction and understanding.
I believe we were created to have healthy and fruitful relationships with our spouses and children. We were made to create a conducive environment where our spouses, our wives, thrive and our children gracefully grow in the knowledge of God. We are the ones who are bestowed with the responsibility of teaching and training our children on the way they should go.
It’s time to man up.
It’s time to take up our Godly given role, own up the mistakes we’ve done and make amends. We must be the initiator of reconciliation, healing and restoration. We must take our rightful places.
To the Glory of God