In Marriage Matters, Our Journey, Singleness & Relationships

MY STRUGGLE WITH PORN – PART 2

THE MELEE.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a fight that you don’t understand how you got yourself involved?
Ever taken blows after blows and at the back of your mind you know very well this would not be happening if you were cautious enough?
Have you ever gotten yourself into a miry and muddy clay and you wondered what could save you?
Ever been at a place where you definitely know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you don’t deserve to be in such a lowly disdained habitat?
Ever tried to disentangle yourself from a mess that has really messed you up but failed miserably?

Yeah…. that was me!!
I found myself in constant soliloquy like a zombie.
Looking myself in the mirror and asking who am I.
Sometimes I would feel ashamed to even have a gaze at myself in the mirror eyeball to eyeball.
I searched for ‘me’ and all I could see are fading shadows of what I used to be.

My identity was gone.
The fabric that made me who I am was torn into a million pieces and thrown to the swine.
I was lost, walking aimlessly and fighting shadows.

I used to go to the CU and act as though all is well.
I would sing and dance but the demons of porn would sit back and laugh at my circus.
They knew very well that they had gotten a really good grip of my soul.
He’s ours, they would chant in jubilation!

The evil before me veiled my vision.
I couldn’t offer myself wholly to God.
I was a prisoner!
The images from all the blue movies I had seen would play like a collage in the screen of my soul, constantly.

My grade in school took a nose dive.
I tried to act as though all was well but I knew I needed a stronger force to break me out of the prison.
Every time we sneaked out to go for a dose of porn, I would tell myself that it’s the last trip I am doing to the dungeon. I would promise myself never to go back again but every Friday night it was ‘ShowTime’.
I was addicted!
It was like a doctor’s prescription, weekly!
It became the new normal.
The bond with my fellow students in crime grew stronger.
No one wanted to leave the crew. We belonged together, especially on those days of escapades.
I wanted out, but my resolve was weak!
The enemy had infiltrated into the innermost chambers of the heart.

Sometimes I would regret why I did what I did.
Many times I would confess and repent a thousand times.
I felt condemned.
I was miserable, but no one knew.
I was nothing but a walking shell, but no one saw this.
I would puff myself because some time back I was on the school notice board as an ‘academic achiever’, but I knew very well that that was the glory of the past.

This was my inner struggle, but the world around me knew not.
I would wish that someone genuine would read my mind and help me out, but there was no one. I couldn’t remember that the Spirit of God searches and knows all things. I thought that I was all alone, but God was waiting for me on the other side of the valley of decisions.

I know my struggles are quite familiar with many men.
You are not alone. I have been there, done that.
But there’s redemption.
We can’t sit down and let things around us control us like a bull with a nose ring being subdued by its master, moving in any direction the master wants, not knowing that it has great and enormous power.
We don’t have to be controlled by perverse emotions and feelings.
The Spirit of self-control has been made available to us.
We only need to plug in.

The series continues….

#Marriageworks

#Godspeed

 

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John Munene

Born of God. Husband to the one and only Mary Munene. Father to a beautiful soul.

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