We had to thoroughly plumb deep into the bedrocks of our family backgrounds after having incessant issues in our relationship.
Like any other budding relationship, ours too wasn’t devoid of the usual fights and occasional taking to flight! The road wasn’t glossy. It was messy and hard. Chiselling out the right foundation was a Herculean task and assiduous too.
The issues were downright wearisome, as inconsequential as they seemed_but aren’t the tiniest issues the most pesky and troublesome?
The issue we kept colliding about was with regards to special calendar days. Talk about birthdays’, special dates, anniversaries, Love day, Christmas day, Boxing day, any day that reads special!
See, i have grown up in a family where all that and more was, and still is celebrated and cherished. My husband on the other hand, has a very different experience with regards to these dates. So that created another source of our inquietude. We had differing views and collided at every turn.
How were we to coalesce those varying idiosyncrasies into one?
See, a family background cannot be an overlooked factor when gaining clarity for marriage. If you do, and things do not go well, you cannot then begin blaming God for a self curated predicament. A family background adds an ingredient to one’s foundation. It is a component that augments to one’s foundation.
We were cognizant of that, so we made it intentional, to purge out what could derail our endeavors to build and to adopt whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, the excellent or praiseworthy– Philippians 4:8. That’s what we decided to pursue.
See we all have different foundations stemming out from our exposure, more so, from our immediate interaction with our family members. Of course, other interactions can strengthen or weaken our already formed views, but as you can see, family takes the first maiden cut.
Some of us have grown up in abusive families. Homes where voices was muzzled or choked down, homes with no love, or if shown, it was simply an abstract silhouette full of aggression and reeking off selfishness. On the flip side, some have grown up in thriving and loving homes. Homes where every opinion mattered and no one was cut back from expressing their views, good or otherwise.
Whichever place you lie on the continuum of abusive to thriving, the foundations are set then. Your exposure definitely affects your foundation and consequently your perception on everything
Do you see now, if you grew up in a home where your family couldn’t sit down together and have a meal, you might assume a request from your spouse who values family dinners? After all, it’s not a big deal to you!
You might pass off simple requests like, could we take a walk together? Could we have dinner outside home today? Could we come home earlier today? Could you take me shopping today? Could you please drop this luggage off?
Simple requests, yet they surmount the marriage bed.
It’s possible to be very resentful, and bitter, possibly even apathetic, based on these ignored or assumed requests.
It’s also possible to be pizzazz and buoyant based on the spirited response from your spouse.
Am talking about the foundation of a marriage. The rock upon you build your marriage on.
I love how God breathed this very Words in Song of Solomon 1:17.
The beams of our houses are cedars, Our rafters and panels are cypresses.
The Bible describes the cedar tree as very expensive strong and durable in Isaiah 9:10. It’s described, the [cedar tree] as mighty and expansive in Psalm 80:10.
The Cedar tree is also noble, stately and very secure as the Word says in Ezekiel 17:23. It’s also high and tall as seen in Amos 2:9 and Ezekiel 17:22. The Cedar tree is also fragrant, as beautifully written in Song of Songs 4:11, and it spreads wide as captured in the Word, Psalm 80:10-11.
No shaky foundation can withstand the weight of the these magnificent trees. Who wouldn’t want a house with beams of Cedar trees? Who wouldn’t want a house that is fit for royalty? The begging question then would be, how is the foundation? How is your foundation?
To the unmarried, however tasking it feels, check your family backgrounds against the backdrop of what you want to both build. If it doesn’t add any luster to your canvas, if it’s not noble, if the brush strokes are smudgy, and the lenses are dim and foggy, you do not need to adapt it into your family. Cut the cord! Sever it!
Check the sins that easily entangle you and your family members, or the cords of sin that hold you back from progress. Those are ties that you need to untether from, or cut down entirely. However small it might be.
You do not need to adapt everything from your family, however much you love them. Some things we pull into our marriages are iniquities- Deuteronomy 28 – or generational baggage, laden with boughs of unfruitfulness. Do not accept to carry them. Do not bring them into your marriage.
Refuse to build on a shaky foundation. Refuse to produce after the kind that rots.
Instead yoke on to whatever can make you two blossom. That’s how you build the right foundation for a strong marriage. A strong marriage with deep rooted intimacy. That however tested it shall be, it shall remain standing strong! After all, aren’t it’s beams of Cedar!
Cypress, on the other hand are evergreen, long living trees that are able to endure harsh climates. Now can you imagine such a house? Green, lush, exuberantly breathtaking, secure, safe, that no gushing wind of life could break it down.?
Such is a marriage that spreads it’s life giving tendrils on the marriage bed, and brings forth a seed valiant enough to crush the ancient foe’s head! It’s a marriage that shields and shelters the marriage bed.
So what shaky foundation have you allowed to erode away your intimacy and consequently the joy of mutually enjoying each other on your marriage bed? Hard stances? Assumptions? Presumptions? Ignoring requests? Being passive in your marriage? Childhood trauma? Bitterness against your parents? An unyielding heart?
If there’s anything like the aforementioned in your marriage, repent to God, release them and burn those bridges.
Do not allow yourselves to struggle with what you can both address, heal or simply cut off. Do not let your joy falter by choosing the familiar hurt, over the uncharted waters of healing and grace. Desire a glorious lift on your marriage bed, a gaze turned higher and upwards knowing that the Lord is able to perfect your foundation all for His name’s honor.
Only with the right foundation, can you build right! ..and only when you build right, can you thrive!
Proverbs 24:3-4, By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.