#BEFORE “I DO”, DO.
Before you bling the finger, DO before “I DO”. Before the bling, DO your homework sister! Marriage is not about the big interrogatory proposal he had it written on the clear skies!
Of course it’s so cute, and an OMG moment, but make sure, before you say yes, the DO part is done.
Before “I DO”, before the bling, DO seek the Lord wholeheartedly.
Seek Him for clarity.
Seek Him to know His will in your union to be.
Seek Him to find you – your identity and your purpose for the two of you will be inextricably interwoven.
Before “I DO”, and committing, DO ask every question you need to ask. You don’t need to wait until after marriage to know his scarred past.
Ask the “whys”, ask the hard questions!
Before “I DO”, before the bling, DO turn his outward regalia inside out, see inside his ‘life’s’ pockets.
Look ‘inside’ his life’s shoes, smell it! Know where he is from and why the mephitic, foul, rancid smell!
That way, you will know how to handle him way forward.
Life quickly changes. Sometimes it can be so sunny, then next, it’s foggy that you can’t see far. You need to take slowly paced but steady steps, supporting each other through the whirling tide.
It matters who you marry at the end of the day.
It’s true what they say, Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
At the end of the day, it matters who you marry.
So before you say “I DO”…DO.
Before “I DO”, before the bling my sister, DO learn to be whole as a single person, happy and contented.
Loneliness is not a reason for you to get married.
There are many women, married but lonely.
It’s unwise to think that your joy, will come from that man you marry.
Of course if he is a good man, you will be happy, but joy goes deeper than happiness.
Circumstances can make you unhappy, in turn your negative attitude will affect your husband too.
Attitude is always so contagious.
He shouldn’t be your life support.
That man will simply fail you often than not.
Own your own happiness. Let the Lord be your joy.
Before “I DO”, before the bling my sister. Be your own lady ‘man’.. Take charge of your own destiny.
I don’t mean that you should be a mean, self-absorbed, and a self- aggrandizing woman. No!
I mean, you should have a direction too. A vision that you will merge with your husband.
He will respect you. I always say, don’t be a needy woman, be the woman a man needs.
Before “I DO”, before the bling, DO seek to see if the man is God fearing, a man after the Lord’s heart.
In my own QT, and bible study, I came to learn that when the Bible says that “A fool says there is NO GOD”, it is not limited to the atheists’ alone.
It extends to everyone and anyone who refuses to be pummeled by God.
He is simply denying the power of the cross that says that THE LORD CAN TEACH, THE LORD CAN GROOM, THE LORD CAN MAKE SMOOTH YOUR ROUGH EDGES.
THE LORD CAN TEACH YOU TO LOVE BEYOND FAULTS, HE CAN TEACH TO FORGIVE WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS…
A fool SIMPLY DENIES THAT PRAYER DOESN’T WORK….”A fool says there is no God.”
So seek a man who fears the Lord. Not a fool please.
At least, he will be accountable to the Lord if he steers off the main course.
My mam says this in Swahili with some Kikuyu mother tongue translation, “Neno la mungu litakuja kwa TV, Joel Osteen akiwa anahubiri, akiwa anakunywa kachai, neno limgonge pap!, akuwe laini!” – (love you mam! I so love you! ) I.E if you get a God fearing man, the word of the Lord will hit him straight when he is taking is breakfast and he will turn around!
Before “I DO”, before the bling, DO seek to know if he is a man with a teachable heart, or has the hardheadedness of pharaoh.
Marriage is not about taking hard stands. Hardliners dig their own graves, bury themselves, and put their own headstones!
Marriage requires an equitable compromise. In marriage you need to be flexible. That you can bend, but not break.
Before “I DO”, before the bling…DO seek to deal with your past. Yes it’s inevitable.
Whoever tells you not to confront your past is lying.
My hubby says, you confront your past to either deal with it, or reconcile with it all the same.
Marriage doesn’t need baggage from your life as a single person.
It doesn’t need your EXs’ drama, or her showing up claiming she’s your baby mama!
For what you cannot confront, you cannot conquer.
It’s another life altogether, so start living in that moment henceforth.
If you still have such drama, take a pause, change your tires then continue on.
Before “I DO”, before he bling’s you my sister, DO seek to see if challenges you, and if he brings out the best in you.
If he doesn’t for real, and drains the life out of you, I would wish that you take a day at a time to seek the Lord as you pray for him and yourself.
Sometimes running away from controlling and manipulative people before it’s too late is the best option ohhhhh!!!
Why am saying that is because, for any marriage to improve, it needs individual improvements…merged as one. It’s so true that it needs individual improvements.
Otherwise you will soon be stuck in a boring rut which inevitably leads to complacency.
The man should seek ways to be better, and so should you.
You cannot afford complacency because you are finally married!
Marriage needs two people who see the beyond themselves, and see the good of the other person. Marriage is for them that challenge each other to be better.
Before “I DO” before the bling, DO seek to know his vision for himself, and for the two of you when you get to his house!
Honestly, there is nothing as devastating as getting married to an insecure man. A man who finds joy in ‘sitting’ over you rather than cheering you on.
A man who dictates your destiny, rather than be the gentle leader like Christ was. A man who is intimidated by your success.
Ladies, such a man will only cut your vision short.
An insecure man is not even sure of his own masculinity, his own identity is shaky, and so when you challenge him with a proposal of getting a masters, a PhD, a business idea, some promotion at work, he won’t see any good side to it.
Instead, he will resort to criticism. He will feel challenged in the wrong way!
You need to know if he will support you through as you support him too.
As earlier said, marriage needs a fair compromise. It needs a man who can shelve his will, to push the wife’s vision, and a woman who can shelve her will and push the husband’s vision.
Before “I DO”, before the bling my dear, DO seek to know who defines his identity.
His identity shouldn’t be from his fellow brothers, it should not be from his mother, it should not be from his ‘boys’, definitely not from his colleagues.
It should be from God. Being man enough to say no, man enough to take a decision and stand by it.
Man enough not to be easily diverted. He should be man enough!
Let me tell you the reason why. If he cannot make a critical decision now, he won’t make it in future.
If his mother defines his course, definitely she still will in your home.
Then you will complain that he listens to his mother more than you, but did you check? Before the bling, DO.
Before “I DO”, before the bling my dear, DO seek to grow beyond the “butterflies”, beyond wanting to make out every time.
Trust me, whatever you are “stealing” will come, then you will wonder if that’s all.
Unfortunately, we are so engrossed in the chemistry love.
The passionate thrilling love, the one that evokes sexual attraction that we forget love is not just the Eros, it’s Agape, its Philia. All have to merge as one.
The passionate love is so wonderful, it’s amazing and thrilling.
Enjoy it, savor it, but remember, for it to mature, flourish and transform to an engine that will take through the tides of life, it needs to be more than the “tingling feeling!”
More than just he makes me feel “shhhhhhh…”, “He is hot”, “He is cute”, “He has a nice body”.
That body will balloon up probably one day, will you still love him?
Will you see the him past the body?
And will he see you past yours too?
Building marriage on romance alone is akin to building your house on a sandy ground.
Your love has to brood beyond the sparks and the blazing fire, and give red hot coals that are constant in light, constant in warmth, constant in heating, constant in cooking anything.
Before “I DO”, before you get the bling, DO check how the two of you talk.
Your normal communication and your communication when in the “heat of things”.
The biggest mistake of all times is going mute on each other because you are aggrieved, switching the phone off, chatting with “another guy” or “another lady” who seems to “understand you”.
I simply put all these in a book called Childish behavior!
You both need to grow up! Marriage doesn’t need babies!
It is not for babies! If both or either of you act like so, then you need another walk or two to grow up.
Learn to resolve conflicts before walking into marriage.
Learn how to talk when angered.
Of course we all get angry, but you can’t keep quiet for a full month in hopes that your relationship will work.
You both need to learn to put your high end ego aside, and apologize. Say “I am sorry, forgive me”.
Before “I DO”, before the bling, DO seek counsel, and wise counsel at that.
I know, and have seen it many times. When ladies are getting married, they are suddenly wiser! They know everything.
Anyone who tries to pinpoint some “red flags” becomes a mortal enemy.
The Bible say, “A wise person seeks and heeds to counsel”.
Of course you cannot spill out everything to everyone, but seek to find out more from those who have walked the path.
Do not walk into marriage handicapped. Seek a godly couple to walk with both of you.
Before “I DO”, before the bling. DO seek the Lord, with all your heart, all your mind, and all your strength. DO not rely on your own understanding.
Your understanding will lie to you.
Your understanding will mislead you, and your understanding will cloud your judgement.
Seek the biggest “secret teller” , the one who reveals all mysteries, the Lord.
Seek him to know the kind of man you are having.
Seek him to train you in wisdom, seek him to change your attitude.
Seek the Lord. He needs to be your governor! He is the only one who can give you the grace to enjoy every day, not just enduring…He makes you enjoy and you find strength even in storms.
Before “I DO”, before you bling the finger, DO before “I DO”. For both the guys and the ladies.
Image by Malcom Sila: Glorious Photography Kenya
#BEFORE “I DO”, DO.