So I have had this post for quite some time.
Emotional inlets and outlets I call them.
Who said that marriages are always smooth?
After you say I DO, trust me, it’s not always going to be sundae, cake, dancing and champagne.
The butterflies are not felt daily or the feeling of “Ohhhhh! Awweee! so in love!”
You pull each other’s hair! You drive each other mad! You throw each other under a moving bus! You piss each other off! You talk harshly or rudely towards each other.
Sometimes you “switch off”. I call it the ‘silent love’. Whereby, you are both mad at each other and are waiting one of you to take the first step and say “Am sorry hunnie, please forgive me.”
It’s just an interesting journey…and very do-able!
If you ask me, friendship in marriage is what plays an important part when it comes to reconciliation, and keeping off emotional tributaries and outlets.
Marriage is the highest form of a relationship, and friendship is the highest level of that relationship.
Again, MARRIAGE IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF A RELATIONSHIP, AND FRIENDSHIP IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.
Marry or get married to your friend. As a matter of fact, marry your best friend – your confidant.
The problem is this, when you marry someone, or get married to someone whom you are not friends with, when the foundations shake, you will not survive.
Is there love at first sight? Am not sure of that, but am most certain that friendship needs to exist in that union.
If you are a married woman, and your best friend is another man other than your husband, IT’S TIME to stop and quit it!
If you are a married man, and your best friend is another woman, other than your wife, IT’S TIME TO DRAW THE THICKEST BOUNDARIES! Run away if need be!
Yes I have a problem with such relationships! A big problem!
Why, because affairs do not begin overnight. You don’t just meet a guy or a lady and sleep with her/ him unless you are something else!
Many married women, and men nowadays, have two spouses. The real spouse, the one you said I DO to, and the chat\work husband or wife.
Let me talk about the woman. This is how affairs play out.
You allow familiarity to set in your marriage and soon you begin to find your husband too boring. The big one pack you used to love soon becomes a turn off! You begin to see the ugly side of his face!
“Jeez, he got a big nose!” “He sweats a lot!” “He pants too much.” Everything your hubby does, is either unsatisfactory or purely disgusting!
You begin to put him down, you step on his ego daily, you break his confidence, because well, there is this other man.
The interesting, smart, funny, articulate, let’s not forget the cologne he wears!– with whom you spend 9-12 hours a day with.
Duh! He is simply amazing than the super mass of a boring husband you have in the house! But is he really the problem Mrs. or you are? Is he boring or have you stepped out of the marriage boundary?
The chemistry is obvious between you and your ‘work husband’, but nothing has ever happened.
“We simply click”, you say!
So the friendship becomes deeper and deeper. From the casual, Hey! Hey! !to having more personal deeper chats! You shop with your work husband in mind. You reveal to him personal things.
You become so emotionally attached to him. Confiding in him things that your husband doesn’t even know about.
“Am unhappy in my marriage.” “We fight and argue a lot.” “He simply doesn’t understand me.” That becomes your excuse.
Mr. your wife is emotional you say, but is there an underlying cause of her ranting or there’s something missing? Her first primary need is your attention, your love and care – do you give her that?
Do you give her that or are always preoccupied with your work and your friends? If not, you are definitely you starving her emotionally. Her primary need is not being met.
Everything is created with a purpose! And they all come with requirements!
For a car to move, you need to put V-power gas, service it well, and make sure it has the right parts and all.
So, if we spend so much time taking care of the cars we have, to serve us better, how comes we don’t take time to know each others needs for our marriages to thrive?
We are so quick at pointing fingers to our spouses. “My husband is not good!” “My wife rants too much!” “My husband is a snub!” “My wife doesn’t listen to me!”
Who has the problem?
Well, because probably you will not end up having a sexual affair, it’s easy to convince yourself that there is nothing wrong being done.
I will tell you the truth, emotional affairs are as painful to a marriage as a sexual affair.
- If you share a lot about your spouse to that person, more so about your marital dissatisfaction, then you are emotionally cheating!
They should not be your emotional outlet. Deal with your marital issues in-house.
Who said that marriage is a bed of roses alone? It has thorns, Mountains and valleys. Talk about anything and everything.
How your happily ever after will look like is totally dependent on both of you. The rest of the world is null and void
2. If you dress up for another man, i.e. to get that complement from him rather than your husband, then you are emotional cheating.
3. If you keep deleting messages from your phone because well, they are suggestive or raunchy and would not go well with your husband or wife, then you are emotionally cheating.
4. If you feel dependent on him/her, spend too much time thinking about them and finding ways to spend time with them rather than your spouse, then you are emotionally unfaithful.
5. If you find yourself comparing your husband or wife to another person, then you are emotionally unfaithful.
The list is endless!
Your husband is not the problem, you are!
Your wife is not the problem, you are!
So begin the change you want to see in your spouse. Make it your day to day goal to make their life better. From doing the tiniest things to doing the biggest things!
Be the catalyst in your home.
[bctt tweet=”Begin the change you want to see in your spouse.” username=”httpstwittercommarymwnglangen”]
Cheating is cheating. It does not need to have the sex tag to qualify as cheating. If there is anyone replacing your husband or wife, then be sure you are not faithful.
Boundaries need to be set from the onset. From the time you decided to settle, then, the boundary switch should have been on.
Do not tell me that you will start being faithful in marriage when you cannot be faithful to your wife or husband to be.
You cannot keep a best friend yet you should be best of friends to the person you intend to get married to.
You cannot share your dreams with someone else and claim you love another.
That is the highest form of confusion.
So before you walk down that dangerous path, decide to be faithful emotionally!
No emotional inlets or outlets!
Emotional unfaithfulness robs you off that deep connection you need to have with your spouse to stand all the storms of life.
Emotional unfaithfulness is not any less than having a sexual affair. In fact, it’s stronger and harder to break.
Make your boundaries known to all and sundry!
If you send me a message, I will show it to my hubby/wife!
If you WhatsApp me, I will copy and paste it to my hubby/wife or simply forward it!
Those are boundaries!
Boundaries are important in a relationship and the same boundaries should extend to your marriage and become impermeable.
Sometimes I get to hear people saying, “After he got married, he just went quiet!” or since he started dating so and so, he no longer chats!Well, I say kudos!
What do you expect? If he needs to nurture something with another lady or a lady whom he has found as suitable wife, then you simply don’t need to complain because he is laying his foundation of marriage.
If you were in that other lady’s shoes, you would want your man to be exclusive to the point.
Emotional exclusivity in marriage is crucial. If you have a problem with your husband, talk to him and vice versa.
End all emotional affairs! No halfway sides, no ish no ish. No we are friends kind of. No being just friends. It has to end. Just quit them all! Period!
Make your spouse your best of friend.
Remember what our Lord always says, Ephesians 5:22-32
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be subject in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one.”
#marriageworks #Godspeed #myspousemyBFF