Just the other day, after my 3rd and 4th miscarriage, my gynecologist told me, “Mary, it’s not yet done.”
It was a Holy moment for me personally, since I had reached another point of surrender. I was ready to take on anything that God has planned for me.
Whether I would get biological children or not, His purpose for me wouldn’t be thwarted by my ungrateful heart.
I cried, wiped my tears, Johnny held me close and we continued matching on with the God given conviction, girding our loins. At His own time, we will. . .
And if He doesn’t will either, we will still enjoy what God has given us.
I know how easy it is to give up.
We miss the joy of marriage trying so hard to get pregnant. We adjust our positions to have the right angle for conception. We take on concoctions and drugs.
While nothing about the aforementioned is wrong, it has a way of robbing you the joy of marriage, of partnership, while struggling to be an assistant to God.
We forget that God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, made a virgin conceive.
He’s the one who opens up our wombs and if He closes them, He’s still God.
The process is painful, and it is difficult not to focus on the loss, because we can’t see the end result that God has in mind. Sometimes the transformation process of grief and waiting is the only way we can become who God intends us to be. I know that for sure.
Having it all, but refusing to lay it down, is the greatest crisis of faith. Surrender is the way to freedom, and in that freedom, God is able to write His story of redemption in our lives.
I am praying wholeheartedly for you as you make your decision.
I want to be in the story God is writing. I want to slowly uncurl my fingers from the desires I have for myself, and open my hands filled with all the broken pieces.
I want to place those pieces at the feet of Jesus and stand in awe of what He creates with them.
I want to be surprised by the depth of His redemption, by the ways that He is working things together for good, whether small and intimate, or vast and inconceivable.
But most of all, I want Him. More than anything else, I choose Him, and as a result of that relationship, I trust Him to make all things new in my life.
So today, in your tears and pain. In sorrow and in fear. In an unbearable pain, or in a quandary, surrender it all to Jesus. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy the nature walk. Enjoy your spouse. Breathe close to them.
Enjoy that cup of coffee. Be glad, and know that it’s not yet done.
P.s Bonus: Christmas is almost too