Daddy came home and found a list hang on the wall. “Why I hate men!” was my title.
It was on an A3 paper, clearly marked out, in bold, point by point on why I hated men.
I was tired, broken and lost.
Actually my esteem was drained, from consistently asking myself, “Where is this godly man? “,”Why can’t they just be faithful?”
“What’s so hard in calling or replying a text!”. “Why are they all calloused and hard-headed?”
Through and through, I replayed these questions in my head and my heart bore bitterness and anger.
Daddy read through it carefully as my eyes were fixated on him.
He took his time, I watched him intently. Again, I was tired of the shove, the heartbreaks, the asking, the requesting.
I seemed to be putting a lot of me into sorting issues that would recur.
Worse, my soul was parched. I felt that I had drifted so far from the Lord.
I had made this man [relationships] some demigods in my life, that God had no choice but to leave His throne in my heart. Yes I had turned a man into a god.
If he didn’t text, I would cry my lungs out. If by chance we quarreled, I wouldn’t eat.
My sustainability was pegged on him.
How many ladies can identify with this?
Back to my dad, he read my list carefully and then he said this,” Soni, not all men are this bad my daughter, not all are bad, but I urge you get your priorities right!”
“Before you bring any man to me, be sure that you have enjoyed every moment of being single, because marriage is not just sex!” “It’s a responsibility!”
“There will be only “we” in marriage, not “you”!
“Do you see your mother telling me prior before visiting her folks, right? That’s marriage!”
“Am not saying that it’s slavery, no, but it’s a place where you die, for the seed of selflessness to germinate!”
“When you decide, what you need, in a real relationship, then you will find the courage to wait, until he comes! ”
That changed my perspective, completely to date.
Could it be that my priorities were a bit misplaced?
Where did I go wrong?
What was I looking for in a man?
Why did I think that being single meant that I was unlovable?
What was wrong with me!?
Well, to cut the story short, I began a journey to rediscover myself once more.
I totally yielded to Christ once more. I decided to give Him my love life, not just the “spiritual life” I had.
I decided to love me first and love Christ more.
I began to enjoy my own company without having anyone close by.
I began a walk, to intimately know my savior to a point where I was comfortable praying, “Lord, if your will is for me to remain single, I am alright.”
I found the Lord being sufficient for me. I no longer pegged my existence on having a boyfriend around.
I began to be self-aware, and pimping my own self-esteem, because really, how can you esteem what you are not aware of?
I know, you are sitting there thinking, “Mary, really!”
Yes, I was once in that pitfall. Just like you Mr. or Miss.
Moving from one relationship to another, or from one girl to another, afraid of being alone and single.
Thinking that you need to have a relationship to be sane, otherwise you brand yourself dysfunctional.
If the Lord remolded me, so can He do the same to you.
Is marriage preferable to a life of singleness? Not at all, and not according to Paul in his letter to the Corinthians.
There’s really no harm in being single. On the contrary, singleness is a gift, especially to them that have chosen that path.
Singleness provides you a unique opportunity to undividedly seek the Lord and develop yourself.
If God gives you a spouse, amazing! But you cannot go around, moving from one heartbreak to another, all in the name of “I cannot be alone!”
You are so broken, then meet another broken brother or sister. You begin a relationship based on “co-dependence” that feels like love, yet it’s not love.
So the first thing I decided for myself was to “decide to walk with God, and be alone, until God’s choice finds me”.
You see, nothing is more difficult, more pressing, more urgent, more alluring, and hence more precious than to be able to decide.
You are as strong as your decisions. You are as weak as your decisions are.
Your future is as bright or as bleak as your decisions today.
You are what you decided yesterday and the day before. You are today, what you have been becoming, based on your decisions.
I decided to walk alone, not lonely [I honestly reached a point of not needing a clique or to cling to anyone], alone, Christ was my all.
My decision that day, set the course of my life.
So Miss. The decision to be alone, as you wait for the Lord, is yours.
Mr., the decision to not break a thousand hearts to fill up your soul is yours.